Flawless Victory

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2010-12-18T16:46:00.008Z

It’s rare these days, that we here at Flawless Headquarters (read: Me, my Dog and my crippling loneliness) take a break from our constant protests against Activision long enough to seriously talk about video games. And today is no only slightly different! Read on for an action packed adventure with Dinosaurs, intense laser battles and inter-galactic alien babes who come to earth to teach human men how to love.

“…Well I’m sorry, lusty human male, but clearly you expected wrong. Didn’t you?”

The wind whistled obscenely through the rickety, mullioned windows of the classically-styled Flawless Headquarters. “Condemned,” the city zoning commission had said “Full of asbestos, woodworm, dry rot and vampires” Well we showed them. Hah! Woodworm! Lying bastards…

The door slammed open, its warped wooden woodiness walloping the wicker wall with willing wanker-ly-ness... (There’s a reason people don’t let me alliterate.) Amidst the stormy snow drift that blew in through the stygian abyss of that open portal, I spied a familiar, hulking form.

It was Kirk Manly…

…Bastard child of Gary Busey and a Malaysian prostitute, Kirk had a face like a shoe and a temper like a bottle of Tabasco sauce filled with angry spider monkeys and shame. So probably quite bad.

This picture needs no caption. It’s already hilarious.

He sidled through the room, and threw his latest report down on the coffee table in front of me. (Read: he threw his latest report on top of the stack of month old, occasionally empty pizza boxes I use to prop up my increasingly dead looking feet while eating Funyuns and watching The Apprentice)

“What the hell is this, Manly?” I fumed with completely unfounded editorial anger

“It’s my latest goddamn masterpiece,” he said, punching me in my dirty whore mouth and turning to leave “Oh, and keep the change, you school-yard bitch.”

I decided it was best not to point out that his last sentence didn’t really make any sense, unless he’d included some blank pages at the end of his ‘latest masterpiece’ and wanted me to have some free paper…which I guess is kind of nice, although it’s totally not worth a shot in the chops.

I leafed through the casually stylish, contemporary, and well written article with the bitter taste of a Tabasco-y shame and jealousy tea party in my mouth.

“Dinosaurs, Intense Laser Battles and Inter-Galactic Alien Babes Who Come to Earth to Teach Human Men How to Love” it was called. Ironic, isn’t it? I thought to myself, as I contemplated navigating my way to Manly’s house in the middle of the night and burning it to the ground with him still inside. I created Manly. Not in any real or chemical sense: I put the blame for that squarely on Busey’s wanton disregard for human decency. But rather in an ideological sense…or something…I don’t know. I’m angry at him for being better than me. That’s all.

Kirk Manly: Artist’s impression

Once it’s gone through the usual editorial obstacle course (read: once I make it up) Kirk Manly’s “Dinosaurs, Intense Laser Battles and Inter-Galactic Alien Babes Who Come to Earth to Teach Human Men How to Love” will champion Flawless Victory into a new year of being entirely mediocre.

If even that...

Peter Davis on Call of Duty: Black Ops

2010-08-22T19:37:00.010+01:00

I thought it would be a cold day in Hell before I’d get a chance to meet anyone at Activision ever again, thanks to a disastrous last interview during which I nearly got shot by a man who’d just snorted at least fourteen pounds of cocaine. But it would appear that [insert witty reference to the phrase “Cold day in Hell” here] because, a few weeks ago, I got an email from Satan himself, Bobby Kotick. The email, shown below, informed me that Peter Davis, the well know Head of Disappointing Games and Flipping the Bird at Activision, would like to have me back to discuss Call of Duty: Black Ops.

“Dear Faggot,

My name is Bobby Kotick, and I hate you.

However, my Press peons tell me that it makes me look good if I give the little guy a chance, and my lawyers say I’m not allowed to kill them for suggesting something so pathetically retarded.

Therefore, I hereby offer you a chance to come over to Activision Headquarters in ~~Hell~~ ~~California~~ Hell, and interview our newly promoted Head of Disappointing Games, Flipping the Bird and Dealing with Faggot Independent Internet Journalists with regards to the up and coming Call of Duty: Black Ops game.

Contact my ~~FuckSlut~~ Secretary to arrange further details.

Go fuck yourself,

Bobby Kotick”

Well guess what I did:

I contacted her.

It turned out that she was very nice, and she only swore at me once as we tried to arrange a time for me to fly over from this saintly green islet I call home and into the very bowels of Satans bowels.

The flight to California was mostly uneventful. There was a small hijacking incident when a very stereotypical Muslim extremist announced that he was taking over the plane in the name of Albert. Thankfully, Robert Brockway was there, and was able to incapacitate him in a manner of seconds using some ancient martial techniques passed down through the Brockway clan for generations. I asked him afterwards if he’d teach me, but he told me that if I didn’t get away from him this very instant, he’d kill me nine different ways before breakfast.

“Albert-salamu alaykum.”

I arrived at Activision Headquarters at around midday. I was promptly escorted from the premises and beaten severely by three burly Man-Beasts. With hindsight, running in screaming “Bobby Kotick is a DICK!” was inadvisable; but sacrifices must be made in the name of gaming.

Eventually, I convinced the guardian Ogres to let me back into the building, explaining that my name was on the appointments list and I wasn’t some tramp off the street whose only mission in life was to bleed on their carpet.

The inside of the building was spacious and futuristic, everything was chrome and marble and there was a bowl of cocaine on every table. It was very much the pinnacle of urban-executive chic.

A downtrodden looking intern guided me to my meeting room; it was empty, so I sat down to wait for Peter. Three hours later, he kicked open the door, wide eyed and furious looking.

Peter: “Alright you cunt, the cameras are off and you get one shot at this before I cut your face like a month old Jaffa Cake.”

FV: “No dice, Davis. I met Robert Brockway on my way here, and he taught me a secret ancient technique that’ll paralyze you instantly then make you shit out your eyeballs through your dick.”

Peter: “Oh titfuck, not Brockway.”

FV: “That’s right. Now who’s the cunt, cunt!?”

Peter: “Fine. So’re you going to ask me some questions, or did you just come here to stare at my package like your mom does every Friday and Sunday at three?”

FV: “Alright: in the recent video released by Treyarch of the new Call of Dutys multiplayer, we saw a few unusual items. Do you not think that gimmicks like killstreak rewards are part of why Modern Warfare Two was so poorly received?”

Peter: “Poorly received? Are you high, bitch? Because I am. High as fuck. And even I’m not trippin’ balls like you. Modern Warfare Two is one of the most successful games of all time. OF ALL TIME.

“You’d have to be a dipshit like you not to understand that gimmicks are what true gamers want. Fuck gameplay and weapon balance. Remote control cars with bombs strapped to them; that’s the real deal.”

FV: “Ok. You mentioned weapon balance there. That’s been a pretty contentious issue within the Call of Duty community. The balance in Modern Warfare Two was abysmal: what’re you doing to correct that in Black Ops.”

Peter: “Nothing. We’re doing fuck all. In fact, we’ve made it worse. There’s one gun, it’s called the Bobby Kotick, and it doesn’t just kill you. It steals everything you own, breaks up your family, dissolves your production team, cripples you financially AND physically kicks you in the balls….Oh, and it has instant headshots.”

FV: “Right. Well, recently there’s been a massive upsurge in the amount of modders and hackers appearing during Modern Warfare Two games. Will there be any further protection implemented by Activision to combat this? What will be done with Black Ops to try and make it Hacker proof?”

Peter: “Hackers and Modders? What are you on, you witless piece of shit. There’s no Hackers and Modders on Modern Warfare. Anyone who says there are is just shit at the game. And even if there were hacks available, Activision aren’t about to spend literally tens of dollars employing someone to make a patch that’d clear it up.”

FV: “Ok then…Is there anything further you’d like to add? Maybe any little unreleased tid-bits about Black Ops you’d like to tell me, exclusively?”

Peter: “No.”

FV: “Oh…”

Peter: “Now kiss me, you sexy fucker.”

FV: “What? No, I don’t think th-…”

What happened next? I…don’t really want to go into it…

“HE SAID HE’D CALL!”

53 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Cheese...

2010-07-25T20:28:00.004+01:00

And now for a short extract from the up and coming literary work "162 Different Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Cheese..." by Dave Wilson, published by Random House (ISBN: 1956812767729) and Illustrated by Adam Bevan.

Cheese is made of Bunny Rabbit fur and industrial runoff.
Cheese contains 100% of your daily recommended intake of Cheese.
The first Cheese in space was a Limbaugh Red; it is reported to have said nothing, because it is a cheese.
In China, Cheese is called Lai Po Wan, and is only eaten on the 32^nd day of every month.
It is reported that Richard Nixons left ear was made of Cheese, after he lost the original in a fight with Gerald Ford over the price of a bagel.
The Mona Lisa is painted in varying shades of cheese; da Vinci was a douchebag.
The Peruvian Cheese Monkey is the only animal in the world to live exclusively off cheese; apart form Jerry the Mouse.
The movie Jaws, directed by Stephen Spielberg, ran into funding trouble when attempting to build their animatronic shark; resultantly, two thirds of the creature was constructed of Cheese.
Peter Molyneux is made of Cheese; this is why he promises so much, but delivers so little.
In the lost book of the Bible “Omnominominy” Jesus reports that his favourite food is cheese and that he likes it on crackers, with a pickle.
The Cheeseburger is often mistaken for a beef patty with a slice of cheese on top; where in reality, it is in fact a cheese patty, with a slice of beef on top. This is the case for all cheese burgers.
The Moon is not made of Cheese, rather it is made of Cheeses lesser brother: Yoghurt.
Cheese is like Viagra to Whales.
Pac Man was a wheel of Cheese.
Cheese will sleep most anywhere; any table, any chair…
…on top of piano, window ledge; in the middle, on the edge.
Hitler briefly held aspirations of combining his two hobbies: Campanology, and Cheese making. Unfortunately, people refused to invest in “Adolf Hitlers Dong Cheese”.
If a Cheese falls down a Well on the third Sunday of a month, nothing particularly special or interesting happens.
If a Cheese falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, it makes a noise. That noise is: “Flop.”
In Yorkshire, it is common to dunk slices of Cheese in Tea. Yorkshire is weird.
Dinosaurs fuckin’ love Cheese.
Scorpions, while not fans of Cheese, have been known to take the odd cube if they’re feeling a bit iffy.
Cheese is the world’s most cost effective building material. This is why the Eiffel Tower is made of Cheese (and Ant goo).
Lemons are Cheese in disguise.
In Indonesia, Cheese is regarded as a minor deity and small animals, children and Lego bricks are often sacrificed in its name.
Japanese legends tell of an ancient monster that once terrorised the city of Tokyo. This monster was not Cheese related; it was Godzilla. I just like Godzilla.
It is a well kept secret, that the only way to keep space aliens from entering into your mind and stealing all your PIN codes is to wear a helmet made of Cheese. Tinfoil is for nerds.
The core of the earth is made of Molten Cheese.
The league of Cheese often foils nefarious plots to take over the world; their arch nemesis is the Lord of all Evil: Commander Marmite.
The Bermuda Triangle is actually a giant wedge of Dairylea.
All life on earth evolved from Cheese. Darwin said so, and he’s on money, so you know it’s true.
John Lennon ate Cheese once; he attributed all of the Beatles success to that one time he ate Cheese.
There are literally thousands of uses for Cheese; most of them are eating.
The Apple iPad is made out of Cheese and twine.
Cheese sometimes edits its own Wikipedia page.
Cheese got with your moms.
Queen made an entire album about Cheese, but felt it was too risqué to release.
Cheese destroys at Beer Pong.
Every time you eat Cheese, you penis grows in size by three inches.
Cheese once saved the world from an evil Dragon named Gobbleobbleoxx.
Cheese is the worlds sexiest Super Spy.
Cheese is the guy who won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about.
Cheese grows.
Twilight Vampires are terrified of cheese.
Cheese wrote Dantés Inferno, but gave the manuscript to Danté because it thought ‘Cheeses Inferno’ sounded stupid.
The Hubble Telescope is made of Cheese.
Richard Nixon, mentioned earlier, built a robotic exoskeleton out of cheese and rubber bands; it was destroyed by Godzilla in 1684.
Cheese and Garlic Bread are soul mates.
No matter who you are, you’re cool with Cheese.
Cheese listens to bands whose members haven’t even been conceived yet.
The Cheeseasaurus Rex was the mightiest Dinosaur of its age, and still survives today in the tallest of mountains and the deepest of oceans.
Cheesecake is not made of Cheese; but it is made of Cake.
This list is made of Cheese.

David Caruso is a Loser...

2010-07-14T21:21:00.003+01:00

Thanks to our last article which, my legal council has advised me to state, was largely speculative and entirely fictitious; we here at Flawless Victory have had literally one response from our army of dedicated fans all over the world.

Through careful and expensive market analysis undertaken by the amorphous, gelatinous monster that lives behind the bog here at Flawless’ Headquarters, we’ve come to the conclusion that our next post shall be…:

What if classic video games were gritty and realistic? Like CSI. (Not Miami though, it sucks sweaty cheese nips)

PAC-MAN

That cute little yellow pie-chart has been an icon of the gaming industry for years; but what would happen if we superimposed today’s trend of super-realism over that chompy arcade façade?

“PAC-MAN: Fear Begins” would probably focus on a jaundiced, overweight, forty-something IT professional living in a cramped flat above a sweaty Deli.

“One day, Mr Pack Mann decides that he’s had enough of his life, and he wants to end it all: so he grabs a bottle of aspirin, throws back a fistful of the tiny white pills, sits down and waits calmly for oblivion.

The blackness takes him; down he falls, deeper into the stygian abyss of his own rotten mind until eventually; peaceful clarity. He’s in a maze, the walls high and dark, the floor littered with a trail of the same white spheroids that brought him here. He is at peace; the cool air of the maze ripples gently over his pallid, jaundiced skin as he lingers idly, avoiding the penetrating presence of the small, pale orbs…

Alas, his peace is broken by a shrill cry from beyond the walled maze: “WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA!” he hears, shunted out of his trance as goose pimples of fear sprout on his bare, yellowing arms. With a terrible howl, a great red beast rounds the nearest corner; its massive, slavering maw opens and closes in anticipation as Pack stumbles away in terror.

He retreats into the blackness of the maze, his pursuer hot on his tail, scooping up fistfuls of pills in a vein attempt to escape this new, fresh hell. As he rounds a corner, he sees light in the distance; a great glowing ball of angelic white, shining proudly through the all consuming blackness of his prison. He runs towards it, the creature and its brothers closing in around him, ready to end his nightmare forever…

…weeweeweeweew.”

Even the sweet release of death didn’t put Pack out of his considerable misery; he had another guy…

The sequel, of course, would be the haunted, disturbed Pack Manns heroic return to the Dark-Maze to avenge the death of his only love, Mrs Pack Mann, at the hands of the evil coven of diabolical monsters.

DIG DUG: The Descent

“Alright: Lunchbox? Check. Hard Hat? Check. Pump for inflating giant underground Dragons? Check.”

“The hard bitten, mean talking, tough skinned diamond in the rough with a heart of gold Doug “Digg” McTavish pulls up to the mine entrance for a brand new day of work down t’pit; but little does he know, once he’s down there...he may never come up.

He wanders through the eerie, lamp lit tunnels; the darkness creeping in at the edge of his vision, those rare spots where the lamps light seemed to be absorbed by a deep, eldritch blackness, standing out like terrible beacons of the damned. Something moves ahead of him; the tell-tale rustle of boots on dirt tugging at his mind.

“’ello,” he calls out “s’at you Jim?” his voice, deep and gruff, is drowned out by a sudden rumble; a tremor from the very core of the earth itself. From overhead, he hears a great crack as a stone dislodges itself from the roof and hurtles towards him. He dives out of the way just in time, the rock pounding into the dirt where he had just stood, moments ago. The mines dust collects around him in a vile, choking miasma, forcing him to cough and splutter as the thick air clogs in his lungs.

Over the sound of his own breathless hacking, he hears once more the shuffle of boots, but louder this time; closer. He spins on the spot and catches his first glimpse of the beast: Its red skin drawn over knots of powerful looking muscles, it wears tattered rags that once belonged to a miners jumpsuit. Its mouth snaps open and closed, as if chewing on some invisible meal, saliva dripping down over its chin and onto the dirt. Its eyes, angry and menacing, are covered by a large, yellow framed pair of hazard goggles.

Doug stands immobilized by terror; the creature shimmies towards him slowly, its feet dragging through the dust, its eyes locked on him blazing with fury and something else…hunger, perhaps; a terrible, insatiable hunger that devoured it from the inside out, hollowing out all that was once human and filling it with a terrible lust for flesh…

It issues an unintelligible groan which forces Doug to act; he glances around for something to use as a weapon and sees nothing: nothing but one of the old, battered fire extinguishers sitting unused in a corner of the tunnel.

He grabs it by the nozzle, hefting it up and charging towards the creature, swinging the long metal cylinder at its head. He listens as it connects with a sickening crunch; the creature falls to the floor, and Doug resumes his attack, crushing the things head under the force of his massive blows. With a cry of rage and fear, Doug delivers one final, tremendous strike that cleaves the creatures head in half, spilling its brain in the, foul bloody dust.

Doug looks down on his work and feels the contents of his stomach heave; even with no face, its head nothing more than a bloodied pulp, still the thing survives. It crawls towards him, its fingers clawing at the dirt, reaching out for something to grab, to crush in its evil grasp. Desperate, Doug does the only thing he can; he takes the nozzle of the fire extinguisher and jams it down hard into the back of the prone beast. Pressing hard on the release, he watches as the corpse fills with Carbon Dioxide, its flesh bubbling and expanding as the gas ripples beneath the inhuman folds until eventually, the taut skin can take no more, and the thing explodes; wet chunks of viscera fly through a thin red mist…”

Christ.

Who knew Dig Dug was so brutal..? Who else wants to make that into next years big summer blockbuster? I’m serious, totally calling Warner Brothers right now. I’m thinking maybe Christian Bale as Doug? Oh hell, I forgot. It can’t be him, sorry; me and Christian Bale are done professionally…

Well; that’s about all from us at Flawless for this post. Until next time! (Whenever that may be…)

What’s next…

2010-06-21T23:04:00.006+01:00

…From Activision:

Call of Duty: Civil Warfare

“So, on the cover, we’re going to have this picture that looks as if these two dudes are totally about to French it up; for the queers.”

Have you ever wanted to go back to a simpler time, when the men were men and smallpox was crippling and incurable? Well you’re in for a treat, thanks to the firecracker partnership between Activision and Treyarch.

That’s right: Just when you thought it was time for the Call of Duty franchise to put on its slippers, kick back in its armchair and wait patiently for death; BAM! Another genre defining instalment of, what jealous critics and roguishly handsome satirical internet bloggists often call “one of the most tired, imbalanced and evil franchises in gaming today.”

We here at Flawless Victory, using various methods of snooping around and tactical hiding behind bins, secured an interview with Peter Davis; Head of Disappointing Games and Flipping the Bird at Activision HQ.

It went a little something like this:

Dave: “Hey there Peter, I was wondering if I could talk to you about the future of the Call of Duty Franchise, now that your company dissolved Infinity Ward and handed the reigns of the series over to Treyarch?”

Peter: “Fuck off, peasant.”

Dave: “No, but seriously; we’ve all heard rumours about the future of Call of Duty, and I’m wondering if you could jus-“

Peter: “I said fuck off!”

At this point, the interview ended because Peter pulled out a gun and started waving it around; before calling me a dirty beaner and telling me he was going to shoot my wife with a harpoon gun.

After several lengthy and expensive therapy sessions, I managed to secure a press release from Activision; hoping it would detail some elements from the upcoming Civil Warfare game.

It read;

Dear Shitbirds,

We know you want to hear something about the next Call of Duty; but here at Activision, we’re all too busy fuckin’ bitches, being billionaires and doing all the drugs in the world to give a shit.

Suck my dick,

Activision

From this, we at Flawless have deduced that the game will go something like this:

You’ll play as a Confederate soldier during the American Civil War, fighting the evil Unionists who want to take away your right to brutally beat black people until they make you a cheese and ham omelette. The multi-player will be as popular as ever; despite the fact that it takes you three hours to reload your weapon and players will randomly die of Cholera throughout the battle.

We assume, thanks to past titles attempts at modern cultural sensitivity, that there will also be content based on the English Civil War; where the player will control Roundhead SAS Captain James ‘Hand Sanitizer’ Williams whilst he goes on covert missions to assassinate King Charles I and his devilish Royalist supporters.

“Have at you, rogue!”

Others have suggested that the game might take another path, for example:

Call of Duty: Guerrilla Warfare

Call of Duty: World War II but in Space

Call of Duty: LOST

Call of Duty: Vietnam (but the Americans Win)

Call of Duty: Shit Sandwich

5 Inexplicably Popular Piles of Shit

2010-05-06T18:03:00.006+01:00

It's been long as ass since I last posted something that was even mildly amusing; and so in a return to my angry, sweary roots I present you with a style that I totally didn't steal from Cracked.com (who aren't so much better than me at this that it hurts) and a shiny new post that has almost shit all squared to do with gaming:

[If the Links/Spacing/Pictures in this post don't work, I swear, I'm going to find whoever operates this site and personally piss on his vegetables]

#5 – Popped Collars

“Broseph?”

What are they?

Popped Collars are the Guido equivalent of the eponymous dinosaur neck frill that was used to scare the living shit out of Dennis; the guy who broke the entire of Jurassic Park by being a useless fat prick. Invented by Abercrombie & Fitch to make their already pretty horrific fan-base look more like a bunch of inbred, mutated swamp monsters; the popped collar has become a symbol for total and utter panty soaking awesomeness the world over.

Why do people think this shit is cool?

According to fashion scientists, the act of engorging the neck area by lifting or ‘popping’ ones collar actually quantifiably increases the sexual potency of the wearer by at least 42.5%. This, when coupled with standing in public spaces drinking cider (which, for those of you who don’t know, is pretty much all the English do these days) makes for an irresistible combination.

In the real world, it’s pretty impossible to say why anyone would think that popping their collar isn’t just a simpler and less time consuming way of writing ‘I’m a great big cunt’ on their forehead in glittery red pen, but if we employ some basic science then we can come up with a reasonable (albeit totally fucking stupid) possibility:

Firstly, you take the basic male understanding that women are attracted to bright, shiny colours (a theory I’m too busy attending sexual harassment seminars to investigate) and then you combine it with the principal of ‘Surface Areas’ ergo:

The greater the surface area of your yellow pastel polo-shirt = The larger the sea of vagina you have to wade through to get home.

Why this shit needs to stop:

Because if it doesn’t, you’re going to end up looking like this spastic.

#4 – Crocs

Can you say: Hulk Feet?

What are they?

Understand, that when I say Crocs I do not mean the badass, tear you to shreds; pull-you-inside-out-through-your-own-sphincter-and-then-make-you-shit-yourself-back-out-again fucking dinosaurs; who have somehow managed to avoid extinction by simultaneously being one of the most ferocious predators on the entire planet and also looking kind of like logs.

Rather, I mean the stupid fucking shoe/sandal things that are worn day-in day-out by rabid, foaming at the mouth aged hippies and women who just don’t give a fuck anymore.

Why do people think this shit is cool?

They don’t.

No one thinks Crocs are cool, because thankfully the world has yet to descend to the level of Rosie O’Donnell (except for Rosie O’Donnell, who probably thinks Crocs are the shit).

However, people simply choose to ignore this fact because apparently, Crocs are ‘comfortable’.

And you know what? I have to agree. In fact, the only thing I enjoy more than wearing my Crocs, is having a flamboyantly dressed, overtly homosexual transvestite shove a pencil down my dick whilst reciting, in vivid detail, every single failure from my entire life.

Why this shit needs to stop:

Because in ten years time, I don’t want to be forcing my kids into a pair of shiny green guppies made out of radioactive run-off and Josef Mengeles bath-water.

#3 – Miley Cyrus

Little Miss Sexy herself.

What is she?

Human? Alien? Time travelling robot sent back from the year 3046 to take over the world using an army of slavish, mindless tweens? No one will ever know (but I like to think it’s the last one).

Miley Cyrus, (just in case you’re dead, and haven’t heard the news yet) is the sassy little madam who’s taken the world by storm with her combination of endearing and lovable characters and up-beat, high-tempo pop songs; the fact that she gives every guy from the age of fourteen up a raging hard-on is also probably quite a large factor as well. Daughter of well known country and western singer Billy Ray Cyrus, who had such hits as Achy-Breaky Heart and Probably Something Else as Well, Miley has virtually taken over the entire fucking world with the help of the Disney Channel and her tits.

Why do people think this shit is cool?

I’m not entirely sure, but I think it’s largely to do with small children all over the world clinging on to the archaic notion that being an American is actually a good thing.

I’ve never seen the Hannah Montana show, and am not willing to pay the exorbitant medical fees I would rack up having my eyeballs replaced after I jab them out with a hastily acquired laptop space-bar after sitting through half an hour of American Teenage Neo-Propaganda (which I’m almost entirely certain it is). Thusly, I’m forced to draw my reasons as to why people find this heinous reeking pile of effluence even remotely bearable entirely from her musical career.

I own a Miley Cyrus song; (for the purposes of simplicity, I’m redefining ‘own’ as ‘have downloaded entirely not illegally for the purposes of writing this article’) it’s shit.

Why people enjoy this tasteless bitch is beyond me.

Why this shit needs to stop:

Because as much as I would love to have rough sex with/give sagely advice to (pick one based on the age of consent in your particular locality) her, I feel it would be too cruel to use her music as a torture method on the man who gave my puppy cancer and anally violated a red panda with a zucchini.

#2 – Gerard Butler

Ladies and Gentlemen: The King of being Typecast!

What is he?

Gerard Butler is an actor; and I use the word actor in its loosest sense, considering he’s not so much an actor as a giant, partially-directable slab of meat; kind of like a human sized Scotch egg.

He’s the star of such classics as 300: Where a surprisingly Scottish-sounding Warrior from the ancient Grecian city-state of Sparta finds himself battling the evil god-king Xerxes with nothing but a loincloth, a spear and balls the size of Western-Europe. I don’t want to ruin it for you in case you’re a fucking moron who slept through history class, but he dies in the end.

Why do people think this shit is cool?

Because people are, as has been proven successfully many times in the past, inherently stupid; and will apparently never get tired of watching large men punch smaller men repeatedly in the face, until all that remains of their heads is the shards of bone that Gerard Butler has to pick out of his bloodied knuckles with his teeth.

Not only is this in itself astounding, but when you couple it with the fact that Butler himself tried to sabotage his own career by doing a stereotypically shitty rom-com with Katherine Heigl wherein he portrays a chauvinistic bastard and she a stuck up bitch and in the end they fuck because, let’s face it, that’s where all rom-coms are going; it becomes clear that we should not fucking like Gerard Butler at all.

Why this shit needs to stop:

It doesn’t; but only because I don’t want Gerard Butler to come to my house beat me to death with my own smug pretentiousness.

#1 – The Nintendo Wii

Fuck off, Wii.

What is it?

The only console in the world that can turn everyone who plays it into a completely mindless, flailing moron; the Wii carved itself out a devastatingly large corner of the market by being a platform from which incredibly shit games designers can launch their god-awful fitness programs.

Why do people think this shit is cool?

It’s literally impossible to tell; apart from the die-hard group of useless, shit-brained; wheat germ eating plimsolls, I can’t honestly imagine anyone else buying any of the massive back-logged libraries of pointless jism that make up this consoles game base.

People think the Wii is cool for the same reason they think Apple products are cool; they’re popular, inferior and white. There seems to be some sort of endemic disease that causes rational human beings to throw money at you in great waves when you combine those three key attributes; we call it ‘Steve Jobs-itis’.

Why this shit needs to stop:

Because, unsurprisingly, I like being a fat waste of space; and if this trend of calorie defying, pro-movement gaming continues, I’m going to have to seriously rethink how I spend a large portion of my free time.

Goodnight, sweet Prince...

2010-04-14T20:32:00.004+01:00

SeeminglyIncoherent weeps consolingly before Xbox Live

The internet; today is a sad day.

Today is the day that, after 8 years, the Xbox Live service for original Xbox games dies.

For us console gamers, it's a real blow. The Xbox brought to us our first true taste of how amazing online gaming was, and oh how we loved it...Eight years and countless innumerable lulz later, we bury a legend.

I first picked up XBL in the spring of 2006, shortly after receiving my shiny new Crystal Xbox as a Christmas present, and realising that there's only so much you can get out of Halo 2 when you have no actual friends to speak of. Xbox Live changed all that.

Sure, it may seem a little gay; I'd be the first to admit that, but if I'm being totally honest with you, I've met some great friends on Xbox. Guys who I hope will be my buddies long after the current service dies its death, whenever that may happen. And for that, Microsoft: Cheers.

So, gamers; whether you be PS3 Fanboys, Xboxers, Wiiaboos, Nintendixx or PC 1337squaddies. Take some time today to raise a glass in memory to Halo, Crimson Skies, Spinter Cell, Ghost Recon 2 and all the other titles that raised you better than your dumbass parents did. Alternatively, join me and the UCAG team in playing a few final games of Halo 2 and giving the old fucker the Viking Funeral it truely deserves.

What if...?

2010-03-29T20:16:00.005+01:00

If you could believe it: Yes, they are as boring as they look.

...games had never developed beyond Roguelikes?

You may not be old enough or nerdy enough to remember what games were like before the invention of the User-Friendly GUI, but I am. It was not nice.

Roguelikes (their name taken from the popular game 'Rogue' which was the pioneer of the genre) were often fantasy RPGs that involved a simple set of text based commands that ammounted to, essentially, a digital 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book. Only without the Do-over ability of quickly flicking back to the decision page if you die.

So what would games today be like, if we'd never gotten past this...?

(Be warned, this is EXTREMELY text heavy, so it's probably tl;dr)

~ WELCOME TO CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2 ROGUELIKE EDITION ~

You are sitting in a lobby, the current game mode is Sabotage, the current map is Karachi. In your lobby, there is seven people. A player named 'xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx' is yelling 'NIGGER' repeatedly down his microphone. There is thirty seconds left until the game begins. What do you do? >>
> Ignore xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx
You have chosen to Ignore xX MLG n99bsl4y3r Xx. xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx stops yelling 'NIGGER' down his microphone, and begins to insult your mother. There is twenty-five seconds left until the game begins. What do you do? >>
> Insult xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx back
You have chosen to Insult xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx back. xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx calls on his companions xX MLG 0wn4g3 Xx and xX MLG b00mh34dsh0t Xx to call your mother a nigger, as loud as they possibly can, over and over again. There is eighteen seconds left until the game begins. What do you do? >>
> Quit
You try to Quit, but are eaten by a Grue.
Game Over

~ WELCOME TO WORLD OF WARCRAFT ROGUELIKE EDITION ~

You are in a TOWN. In this TOWN, there are many people with large yellow exclamation marks above their heads. The nearest one of these people is named KATIE POINTLESSFANTASYSURNAME. What do you do? >>
> Approach Katie Pointlessfantasysurname
You Approach KATIE POINTLESSFANTASYSURNAME.
"Excuse me, brave adventurer," she says "I have a quest for you, if you wish to accept it?" (Y/N) >>
> Y
You accept her quest.
"I am baking a pie for the mayor of this TOWN, and I wish to get some delicious ingredients to put in it." she points WEST "If you go WEST away from the town, you will find a cave filled with ravenous grizzly bears. If you journey to the cave, and bring me back eight pieces of BEAR MEAT, I will happily give you a SLICE OF PIE and five cups of PURE WATER." What do you do? >>
> Go west to cave
'Go west to cave' not recognised >>
> Go west
'Go west' not recognised >>
> West
'West' not recognised >>
> I fucking hate you
'I fucking hate you' not recognised >>
> Turn west
You Turn WEST.
In the distance, you see a cave. There are several large shapes milling around the shadowed entrance. What do you do? >>
>Travel west
You Travel WEST.
Once at the cave, you see it is populated by large angry bears. What do you do?
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Inventory
You look in your inventory.
In your inventory, you find a SMALL SWORD, a BATTERED SHIELD and eight pieces of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Turn east
You Turn EAST.
You see in the distance the small TOWN, its buildings standing out clearly in the pale dawn light. What do you do?
>Travel east
You Travel EAST.
You are in a TOWN. In this TOWN, there are many people with large yellow exclamation marks above their heads. The nearest one of these people is named KATIE POINTLESSFANTASYSURNAME. What do you do? >>
>Approach Katie Pointlessfantasysurname
You approach Katie Pointlessfantasysurname.
"I see you have eight pieces of BEAR MEAT." she says "Thank you so much for completing my quest, here is your one slice of PIE and your five cups of PURE WATER. Would you like to help me with another quest?" (Y/N) >>
>Y
"Because the mayor of the TOWN is so hungry, I must bake him another pie," she says "This time, I need you to once more head EAST and bring me back eight slices of BEAR MEAT from slightly more difficult to kill bears." What do you do? >>
>This is bullshit
You are eaten by a Grue.
Game Over >>

Hands off my Sister!! - BioShocking revelations from a Cold Hearted bastard

2010-02-15T03:27:00.008Z

Hello hello, my faithful and ever patient readers; Sorry it's taken me so long to write something, but I've been rather lacking in inspiration.

I took a notion today; a notion to write an article that might actually be considered acceptable on a mainstream games blog: but then, I gave it to my friend Chris to read, and he sent me back this defaced monstrosity.

Thanks Chris, thanks for making my shame more amusing...

P.S. Once again, Blogger has fucked me on the spacing: Cheers, Blogger, as if my little corner of the internet isn't ugly enough without your interposing hand coming in and fouling everything up for me. Boo! Boo at your code sir! BOO!

My name’s Dave, and I’m a Gamer. I’ve been a gamer since I was a little boy, and I first played the pre-installed version of Alex Kidd on my Sega Master-System II; from the adventures of that pixelated little man, a dedicated gamer was born.

And I’m Chris; I’m helping.

Over the years, I’ve played a lot of games, on a lot of consoles, and I’ve never once been affected by them. From the extreme violence of ManHunt, to the simulated crimes of the various Grand Theft Auto offerings, I’ve never actually had any game make me really feel anything: And I like to think that, in my virtually-hardened state, I’ve become a bit of an e-Bastard; in that I’ve always found myself, when faced with the plethora of moral choices that games offer these days, that I tend to gravitate towards the more unpleasant option.

I just say fuck you to the moral choice and kill everything. Take Fallout 3…killed all the good guys, robbed them, blew up their city, then killed all the bad guys and stole everything they had…I’m currently hanging out with the slave guys until I get tired of their shit.

But that all changed, when I picked up my copy of BioShock 2, and encountered what, in my opinion, defines the series: The Little Sister.

Subject Delta couldn’t help but think that Chris Hansen’s “Why don’t you
take a seat over there” line needed a little more punch.

This winter Chris Hansen IS Subject delta:
Would you kindly take a seat over there?

I started off the game with the intention of sucking every drop of ADAM I could out of the glowing little freaks; but that idea quickly began to simmer away as the opening sequence began, and I found that the player character was someone who has a genuine emotional bond with one…

Emotional… sure, that drill isn’t for what you think its for…

Once I got into the story proper, and came across my first Little Sister, any remnants of my previous intention to harvest the little ADAM farms was washed away completely, as she greeted me with an affectionate “You’ll protect me, wont you Mr. B?”

I haven’t played it yet so I’m just going to make a paedophilic innuendo at the end of each paragraph…:
HE farmed HER for ADAM!
The ‘B’ in ‘Mr. B’ stands for -Bear btw, you get 3 guesses at his first name…

I don’t have kids, I’ve never planned too, but adopting the first Little Sister awoke some ancient paternal instinct in me that actually had me shouting in despair as Splicers began reaching her position whilst she was harvesting one of her Angels. As sad as it may sound, there were genuine, Ripley-esque “Get away from her, you bitch!” moments as Splicer after Splicer raced towards ‘my little girl’.

I’ll awake my paternal instinct over your little girl…! Ok that one was a little bad, I’ll stop now.

At one point in the game, I was desperate for ADAM and about to fight one of Raptures ‘boss’ Splicers. So I overcame my earlier apprehension, and harvested one of the Little Sisters after she’d collected all of the available ADAM for me. In the end, I had to look away from the sheer terror in her face as she realized I was about to kill her, and, throughout the rest of the game, no matter how low I was running on ADAM, I couldn’t bring myself to harvest another one.

Sweet damn, that almost makes me not want to make a joke… almost. Only thing stopping me is that I can’t think of one.

For me, this is why BioShock 2 will go down in history: A video game that’s dredged up in me emotions I never knew I could feel, that’s managed to worm its way into my cold, desensitized heart and start a little melting flame. You can take away the story, the graphics, the beautifully designed underwater city, the rich in-depth history and quirky, interesting characters; but leave me with my little girl, and while you’re at it: GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!!

Note to Developers: A game with nothing but a high definition 10 year old girl that talks to the first person player in a child like way, and you can play with her, and skip, and if you give her enough candy you can show her your “party van” and the final boss is Chris Hansen; that’s probably not a good thing to sink your money into.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T22:03:00.002Z

Merry Christmas, people of the internet;

This isn't a substantial post, for now, but I just wished to shine you a happy message for this joyus holiday season.

Also, seminal news; my sister had her second baby on the 24th! She's called Kate, and I'm so happy I could punch a cow in the ear.

Love you!

HAPPY FUN SUPER JESUS DAY EVERYONE!!

A wild Post has appeared;

2009-12-10T17:40:00.005Z

I would like to bid a hasty introduction to the marginally mentally disabled “Not Serious Bear”. He and his brother, “Serious Bear” will be letting you know up front if my articles contain Srs biznez or not.

Well, recently I did this review of “The top 5 most Annoying characters in gaming history” and that got me thinking; what about the other end of the spectrum? What about those characters that’re so fucking lovable, that you get so damn attached to, you just don’t want to throw them into the Aperture Science Brand Thermo Incinerator (a little forward as to who one of this batch of 5 is going to be (I know, it’s clichéd, and pointless; as I never felt the pull towards that, apparently, incessantly lovable cube. But I think it’s safe to say that I’d be lynched by the entire internet if I didn’t include it)).

So, without further ado, I present to you:

The Flawless Victory Brand Non-Randomly Generated List of the Five Most Lovable Characters Ever in the History of Gaming ©

#1 Pikachu

Pikachu: Pika-Piiiiiiii-ka!
Me: I’M GOING TO HUG YOU UNTIL YOU DIE! AND THEN I’M GOING TO CRY SO HARD I HAVE TO GO TO HOSPITAL FOR DEHYDRATION! THEN I’M GOING TO CRY SOME MORE AND BE ALL LIKE “WHY!? PIKACHU WHY!? WHY WERE YOU SO CUTE! DEAR GOD, THE HUGE-MANATEE!”

I know, he/she/it’s not strictly a gaming character, per se, but Pikachu was in a great many of the Pokémon games and so, by royal decree, he can be classified as a gaming character.

The little yellow fuck is beyond lovable, he’s fucking brilliant. For kids from the 90’s, that cute, jaundiced little bastard holds a super special place in our hearts :D

# 2 The Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube

Me: Hey, companion cube; you got any idea why it is that gamers love you so much?
Companion Cube: No, actually, David; I’ve had problems coming to terms with my rocket-like ascension to celebrity status myself. But while I don’t understand my seemingly unending popularity, I’ve learned to accept it and, where possible, use my influence for good by involving my cult of followers with the charities that I regularly contribute to.
Me: Fuck, you can talk?
Companion Cube: Yes, you cunt, and I know you threw me into that incinerator. I’m going to get you, you bastard. I HAD BABY CUBES! WHAT DID THEY TELL MY FAMILY!? WHAT DID THEY SAAAAAAAAAAAY!?!?!?!
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE, RUN! *Flee*

What can I say? The Weighted Companion Cube is beloved by all. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t at least like it…Hell, even I’m pretty fond of it and I’m a soulless shit.

# 3 The Team Fortress 2 Cast

Engineer: That Spy’s a Spy!
Spy: Gentlememe?
Scout: BOINK!
Heavy: OM NOM NOM NOM
Pyro: Harblgarblarblarb!
Everyone else: *Something uninteresting*

I don’t know what it is about Valve, but fuck; they do make some bizarrely adorable characters…

Maybe it’s the way they invest so much time in building up peoples relationship with them, or maybe it’s just their amazing (slightly warped) sense of humour, but they’ve done fucking well.

# 4 Sir Daniel Fortesque

Me: Hey, Dan; can you think of anything that’s maybe a bit ironic, or funny, or you know generally worth me wasting my time putting in this, lets be honest, mediocre little caption in under your picture?
Sir Daniel Fortesque: No.
Me: So is there anything memorable about you at all?
Sir Daniel Fortesque: No.
Me: Righty-oh then.

Sir Daniel Fortesque is, for those of you who don’t know, the main character from the game MediEvil.

I’m not sure why I’m including this in the list; I guess it’s kind of a throwback to those old days when I used to play PlayStation as a kid…

I loved this guy; he was epically funny and could do all kinds of cool shit, even if he was missing an eye. (He also had a crossbow that could fire around corners and things…It was nifty as shit)

# 5 Elf

Me: Hey, Elf, what do you think about being chosen for my list of top 5 most lovable gaming characters ever?
Elf: ELF SHOT THE FOOD!
Me: That’s not what I asked…I asked you wha-
Elf: ELF SHOT THE POTION!
Me: Dude, don’t interru-
Elf: ELF SHOT THE FOOD!
Me: STOP IT! AND STOP STEALING THE TREASURE TOO, YOU SPEEDY CUNT! THE OTHER PLAYERS WANT POINTS AS WELL!
Elf: …ELF SHOT THE FOOD! I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH BRAVERY!
Me: ARGHFHFHFG!

I owe this guy my namertag, so you know how much he means to me.

Elf was the fucking shit. I loved Gauntlet, still do, and Elf was always the best one, because the creators of the game decided it’d be a great idea to give the fastest character in the game the best ranged attack…So someone always picked the Elf at the start and left me as the Wizard ):

Also, he shot the food/potion/game/your mom

Well, it’s been a tough ride! Honestly. I found it hard to summon up enough love for 5 characters…The genuine love stopped with Pikachu…

Anyway, this has been a filler post from:

Wilson

Love you :D

Obscure Games Corner #1: Kula World

2009-12-02T13:04:00.002Z

Hey, I'm Jon, also known as Gauski. Wilson's more attractive, funnier, wittier, Welsh friend currently residing in Lincoln where I attend university (that's for anyone that wants to come stab me after reading this, I'm sure Wilson can provide a full address if needed (Edit by Wilson: “Also a knife…!”)). Upon hearing Wilson's cry for help for his blog I decided to answer the call, I felt it was a duty as one of Wilson's esteemed friends to aid the guy and make his posts look better by posting something that sucks; so here goes. My post is going to be about fairly obscure games, maybe games from yesteryear, or maybe just really obscure current gen games. Let's just get this over with.

Kula world – PlayStation 1

So the first game I chose to write about is a game released in... (checks box) 1997. It is a puzzle game where you play as a brightly coloured beach ball (a game Wilson should enjoy considering how much he seems to hate any protagonist in a game with a soul). The purpose of the game, as described in its own instruction booklet, is “...to collect the key or keys that open up the exit. On the way there are numerous traps and enemies to avoid.”

Sounds simple? Well as with almost every puzzle game oh no, Sir, no it is not. It’s incredibly difficult and frustrating. Let me give you an overview of what you actually do in the game, ‘cause the booklet (which is about 5 pages thick and contains a few different languages) is pretty vague. You roll around as the aforementioned brightly coloured beach ball on a floating platform in the sky made up of blocks, and you can only move across one block at a time. The point is to reach a bright green exit block on the level usually by rolling into a key and then rolling into the green. You can also jump forward one block if necessary.

Simple, right? “Surely they can't really do much with this game” I hear you exclaim. But oh how wrong could you (and originally I) be. The game seems to veer up in difficulty rather quickly, by not only pitting you against a time limit to complete the levels but by making you able to defy every law of physics you’ve ever learnt and allowing you to move 360 degrees around every block, meaning you can go underneath the level if you so wish to avoid certain traps and reach the exit. This becomes further confusing by using the fact that if you end up in certain places on blocks you may be able to jump to other floating platforms in the sky around you, thus forcing you to think carefully and intricately about each jump, so you don't just catapult yourself off the edge. This would be an interesting concept...if the time limit wasn't there. So 90% of your time playing this game consists of you thinking “FUUUUUUUUUU-” and jumping about randomly trying to find out how to get to the exit you can see in the distance, seven floating platforms away. Add in what seems to be compulsory in puzzle games; things like breakable platforms, invisible platforms that only show up when you are on them, spike pits, flaming balls of fire, a lives system and T spoons chin, and you get an incredibly hard and frustrating game, which will make you rage quit...and then later on go back for more. It’s an interesting game that is worth having a go on if nothing more, in the 10 year stint I have owned it I often go back to play on it time and time again, for some strange reason. As for a rating I can't really give it any more then 6/10 as it is just too frustrating to give anything else. If you do fancy checking out this game, it is available on eBay for between £30 and £60 (why haven't I sold it yet?!) or alternatively on the PSN store for £3.99

Addendum from your lovely Editor:

Thank you Jon, for your take on Kula World; an obscure and, let’s be honest, fairly shit sounding PS1 game.

Jon Gau will return in “OGC is Forever” “OGC Never Dies” and “The OGC is not Enough” where he’ll bring you further thoughts on games that have, with good reason, passed you by :D

From the pen(is) of Arran English...

2009-12-01T22:31:00.004Z

Arran English says:

"Anyways, after being forced to write something for this totally amazing blog (Lies) I decided to write about CoD 6. So here it goes. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is, in one word: Amazing. I love the game, have done since I bought it; admittedly I haven’t actually completed the single player (which is kinda gay as I usually fly through new games within a couple of days). I have gotten about half way through the campaign on veteran though, and it is surprisingly easy, the easiest one so far, and that’s because there’s no fucking grenade spam which is something that has plagued the previous Call of Duty’s.

The first thing I did was jump into multiplayer, and I don’t like to brag (such crap, I do) I am pretty kick ass at CoD online. The multiplayer is fucking brilliant, fast paced, action packed fun (unless your Spoon in which case you hate it and think it’s the complete opposite). When you’re with your mates it’s so much fun, working as a team to kick the living shit out of some cunt-faced dick who calls you’re a British faggot every time you kill them.

I have to write something bad about the multiplayer and the best thing I can think of is that it is so rare to find a decent group of people, who don’t care if they lose or win, and won’t rape your ears with shouting and screaming. Another annoying thing is the fact there are some many fucking children playing it, my god it gets so fucking annoying being shouted at by insufferable little cunts who think the best reply to a loss is “Fucking British fags” and then they back out. I am not saying its just American kids who can’t stand losing; you do get the occasional asshole from our side of the pond shouting and screaming because they lost a game. (Edit by Wilson: Occasional? OCCASIONAL!?!? Every British TWAT we play with explodes with insults the moment the game’s ended; IT’S FUCKING TRAUMATISING! JESUS!)

Last thing that pisses a lot of people off, me included, Is the fucking weapon spamming. Take the fucking model 1887’s for instance the most over-powered shotgun in the fucking universe and you have cunts running around duel-wielding it which gets really fucking annoying really fast, your sneaking around a map and some prick will come out of a door in front of you and snipe you with the pieces of shit."

That’s right: I’ve got a guest poster! Enjoy my eTongue being eStuck out at eYou. Fuck yeah! A big thank you to English, who will hopefully come back in the future to give us his opinion on other upcoming titles which allow him to call Americans cuntfags.

Guest Posts...!

2009-11-28T15:00:00.004Z

This is just a filler post until I can come up with something interesting to put down...

So I’m looking for people to get guest posting on here; I know, it’s not an attractive prospect, sitting down and writing something that’ll only ever be read by four people. But still, it could be the gateway to great things! Well no, it couldn’t, but there is the smallest, most slight possibility that it could be the gateway to profound mediocrity.

So; send me an email, or a text, or a PM on Facebook, or an IM on MSN or whatever about your post or, indeed, with the post you’ve already written in anticipation of this day and I’ll read through it and, if it looks like it hasn’t been written in crayon by someone with the mental age of a three week old foetus, then I’ll post it up accrediting you. :D

IF, and this a huge, massive, veiny, triumphant IF, I get a lot of interest from people ( which I know isn’t going to happen :( ) then I might consider building Flawless Victory into something bigger than it is now (and probably, in the effort, renaming it to something better than fucking Flawless Victory). Although that’s doubtful, sadface.

SO! If you think you’re funny (-er than me, which isn’t hard, so try) and want to get your stuff out to a very, very small audience, but no one else will give you the time of day:

I’M YOUR MAN!

Have fun not taking anything I say seriously, and I look forward to not hearing from anyone.

(Also, how about some Arial font for a change? Yeah, some of that shit.)

My Five Most Annoying Characters Ever in Gaming...

2009-11-24T21:18:00.006Z

Before I get started, I’m going to have to clarify something.

I do not care if you disagree with me; I’m not writing this article for reasoned, tempered, intelligent debate on the subject. I’ve already made my mind up that these characters are fucking annoying, and there’s nothing you’re going to do to change my mind. If you disagree, sure, by all means, let me know; but leave it at that. Don’t try and change my mind, because it’ll only end in tears.

That said ( >=( ) this article is going to be a space filler, since I need all my money for buying people Christmas prezzies and wont be getting any new games before the big day. So appreciate it. :D

#1

Cloud (Final Fantasy VII)

Sephiroth: Oh hey, Cloud! Did you ever think about being any less of a useless blonde twat?
Cloud: lol no, why?
Sephiroth: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I hate cloud; not because he’s a whiney, over emotional, useless, blonde, stupid looking prick (although they do contribute); but because he’s in FFVII, a game which I hate with a fiery passion that burns hotter than the very corona of the sun.

#2

Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2)

Snake: Hey, Raiden, I heard you and Cloud from FFVII were going out?
Raiden: Yeah, we just have so much in common seeing as we’re both completely pointless, melodramatic pussies that fill voids created by much better characters like you.
Snake: Sounds about right…
Raiden: Nice mullet, by the way.
Snake: Fuck you.

There’s a very simple reason why I hate Raiden; he’s a total faggot. In MGS1 you got to play as Snake, who’s just an all round bad mother fucker. Not only did he make guards mysteriously grow exclamation marks above their heads, but he also got Otakon to fall in love with him (Snake? Snake!? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEE!?!?!?!?)

So what to Konami do? “Hey, guys, since people got the super manly experience of playing as the awesomely rugged, daring, brave and just down right handsome Solid Snake in the last game; let’s change it up a bit for MGS2 and make them play as a white haired sopping vagina in a skin tight wetsuit!”

#3

Banjo and Kazooie (Banjo Kazooie/Banjo Tooie)

Banjo: Nurp durp, nurp lurp durp durp, lurp durpa shwoooonnnggg
Kazooie: *Slightly higher pitched and more annoying version of the above*

FUCK I HATE BANJO AND KAZOOIE SO FUCKING MUCH!

It’s fucking overwhelming just how annoying I find these two facile, colourful dick lickers. Come on, Rare, you had a chance to build a game where the main character is a fucking bear, and you come out with that piece of shit? WHERE’S THE RIPPING? THE TEARING? THE TEETH IN THE NIGHT?

Coupled with that, you make his best mate (and lets face it, giving a bear a companion that’s not another fucking bear is your second greatest mistake) a fucking vulture/crow/phoenix/chicken thing? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?

Rare Exec. #1: So, what do you guys want to do today?
Rare Exec. #2: I reckon that we take everything Dave Wilson would think is awesome, and we ruin it by warping all the base elements into childish parodies.
Rare Exec. #1: Alright, sounds good, let’s do it.

I hate you Rare; for this, and for Conkers Bad Fur Day Multiplayer.

#4

Ayane (Dead or Alive series (Not Ayame, trust me, you don’t want to put THAT into Google))

My Sister: Oh hey, wanna play Dead or Alive 2?
Me: Sure
My Sister: Oh yeah, by the way, I’m going to use this annoying purple haired bitch and spam you with the same moves again and again…so…
Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

This one’s a little personal.

Yes, I was, one upon a time, beaten (a lot) at Dead or Alive 2 by my sister. This just happens to be the character she used to do it…

...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

#5

Lambert (Splinter Cell series)

Lambert: Fisher, have you gone insane!?
Fisher: No, I’ve just finally realised that you’ve been bitching at me for what? 4 whole games now? I’VE HAD ENOUGH, GOD DAMNIT! YOU DO ONE OF THESE MISSIONS FOR A CHANGE, THEY’RE NOT FUCKING EASY!

I hate this fat old cunt. I hate him so much, you have no idea. He’s the reason I don’t want to play Splinter Cell anymore (that, and the fact that Double Agent was, quite frankly, the most disappointing game that’s ever come out)

He does nothing, NOTHING, but bitch at you the entire game about how shit you’re doing the missions; and then, when you finally get the chance to shoot him in the face, he wonders WHY!?

FUCK YOU LAMBERT! FUCK YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

I heard Assassins Creed 2...

2009-11-22T14:47:00.005Z

...was out, and people are playing it and it's apparently pretty good.

FUCK THAT SHIT!

I hate myself for not saving up enough money to actually buy a copy of AC2, but there we go...

So, I've been neglecting my blogging duties recently, as my friend Arran keeps reminding me, and I've now got a list as long as someone with a bigger penis than me's penis to catch up with; so forgive me if each game doesn't get the three A2 sheets of inspection it deserves, but I'm rather short on...well, patience at the minute.

So, I think the last game I reviewed was Brutal Legend, wasn't it?

What came out after Brutal Legend...Borderlands?

BORDERLANDS!!!

Borderlands was fucking sweet; You'll notice my use of the past tense there, because it's not fucking sweet any more. It got old fast, thanks to the ministrations of my annoying group of friends who made me do abso-fucking-lutely everything in the game on the first playthrough, leaving me nothing to do when we'd finished except get Claptraps and reach level 50, which was more boring than watching Dale Winton present a topical comedy quiz about leaf blowers.

Other than its shoddy replay-ability and FUCKING TERRIBLE ENDING, FUCKING TERRIBLE, FUCKING TERRIBLE TERRIBLE ENDING, OH GOD DIE; the game was brilliant. The co-op play was fun and fairly original (although I had to play as Roland because everyone else is a cunt) the gameplay was great, the visuals are bloody stunning and the RPG elements fun to play about with.

Having said all that; I haven't picked it up since me and my friends got out of sync with each others levels and stopped playing after we finished the campaign, and I probably wont touch it again until the new DLC comes out after Christmas...

...so, with all that in mind I give Borderlands a: (Oh yes, forgot to mention, implementing a brand new, totally original and definitely not stolen from other, funnier, more accurate games review websites, scoring system. Ten being the highest, (probably) and one being the lowest (probably not))

SEVEN OUT OF TEN!

For its originality, depth, nifty RPGness and visual brilliance =]

COCK OF DOODY MODIRN GAYFUCKSTOOPID 2

Or, for all you non-watchers of Arby and the Chief:

CALL OF DUTY MODERN WARFARE 2

(Isn't that image just fucking cool? I have no idea what it's from, but Ghost looks like a BEAST)

I swore, back when I was writing my original, bland, shitty review of Borderlands that I wasn't going to write a review of MW2, because it'd either be tainted with improper love or hate. The love coming from my natural bias towards games that have stunningly amazing multiplayer content (Fuck you Spoon :D) and the hate stemming from my internal furnace of ire, fuelled by sweaty, overweight eleven year olds who think the coolest comebacks ever consist of repeating what you say back to you in a mangled impersonation of your voice. (...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

And I'm going to stick true to my guns, and not post a review of MW2, because if I do it'll just be a rambling trail of semi-cohesive nonsense that flits back from one extreme to the other like a humming bird who's just had seventeen hundred double espressos and gone into the bathroom to do lines with Falgo...greedy, greedy Falgo...

What I will do, is tell you that MW2 is worth buying for the Multiplayer alone; whether you want to sit back and have a blood boiling game with all your friends where everyone laughs at you because you suck absolute dick, or you want to have a blood boiling game with complete strangers who laugh at you because you beat them and they have absolutely no concept of not being a complete retard all of the time. (Or, of course, if you want to have a blood boiling game where you listen to me sing Bonnie Tylers Total Eclipse of the Heart to you in a high pitched little girls voice.)

Add me on XBL if you want to sit around singing camp songs/classic rock whilst being killed by twelve year olds with more thumb calluses than brain cells; my Gamertag is: ElfShotTheGame (Yes, those capitals need to be in the right place, otherwise you'll get Falgo...greedy, greedy Falgo...)

I give MW2s Multiplayer:

PI OUT OF TEN, BUT NOT SIMPLY PI BECAUSE IT'S ONLY LIKE 3, BUT THINK OF PI AS SOMETHING STRANGE AND UNKNOWN AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS...

DRAGON AGE: ORANGES

I'm not putting an image in for this, because every time I put an image in to Blogger it automatically changes the spacing between each one of my paragraphs to something akin to what I put on my physics coursework for GCSE to make it look longer. (That's 7 taps of the return key per paragraph, fuck yeah >:D)

Dragon Age Oranges is an amazing game; I'm not going to bore you all with the details here, but this is one of those games that really needs me to sit down and take two hours out of my day to write a full, in depth review for. Thankfully, it's a Sunday, and Jesus says we're not allowed to do things like that on a Sunday, because he's a lazy cunt or something (I know this because it's in the bible; Mark 13:12 "And lo, Jesus said put down your tools, ye carpenters, ye butchers and bread makers; for it is Sunday, and I am a lazy cunt. What I am, ye all shall be, and watching you work is making me dead tired, so stop it kkthxbi").

Dragon Age is made by Bioware, who make the best RPGs, and haven't put a foot wrong ever, except for Mass Effect, but shut up.

I don't want to get into it too much here, because I'll end up getting engrossed and writing a 2,000 word essay about how DAO is really good, and should be owned by everyone; but the jist of it is that DAO is set in a mature, fantasy world being overrun by a gritty, sweaty, hairy unpleasant evil (kind of like a nefarious Brian Blessed, but without the charm) and you're, naturally, the only one in the world with the power to stop it. Sounds original? Well it's not, but who says originality is everything (Fuck you Spoon :D)

I give Dragon Age Oranges:

ALSO SEVEN OUT OF TEN, FOR BEING A COOL GUY THAT KILLS DARKSPAWN AND DOESN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING (EXCEPT SHOWING NIPPLES (THANK YOU FARENHEIT))

Brutal Legend and Operation Flashpoint 2 and a jolly young baldy named BrentalFloss

2009-10-20T20:40:00.006+01:00

(TICKET THIS! HAHAHAHHAHHAHAAAHHAHAAHHAHHA!!!111!!01!)

Brutal Legend is FUCKING AWESOME!!!

AHAHAHHHHHHHH IT'S WIN! IT'S SO MUCH WIN IT VENTS ITS EXCESS WIN BY PISSING WIN DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN VIA YOUR EARS!

Brutal Legend is a hack 'nd slash style Adventure RPG a la Fable and its ilk that's set in a world populated entirely by Hot Chicks, Headbangers, Evil Demons and spectacular Metal-Inspired monuments to the VERY GODS THEMSELVES!

Words cannot express how much I loved this game...(For your information, if words could express it, it'd probably read something like "I'd touch it with my winkie.")

Take fairly average gameplay, mediocre animations and standard issue graphics...

Combine it with brilliantly immature and amazingly funny dialogue, fantastically original characters, a vibrant and stunningly in-depth world populated by interesting landmarks, a story with more twists than a kid with Spina Bifida and finally an ear-splitting, face-melting, pant-shitting soundtrack...

And by fuck, you've got yourself one HELLA BRUTAL LEGEND!

Wow...That picture was a lot bigger when I moulded it carefully out of leather and twine on my perfectly legal copy of Adooby Phitoshap VS2...

In case you're a retard, that's Operation Flashpoint 2 Dragon Rising (Yes, yes, the star is a little convoluted, but it's apparently the logo for "Rising Star Games". No idea who they are, found them on google, but big props to them for having an applicable studio logo: Clap!).

I managed to get OF2 on release day (no thanks to Play.com (CUNTS!)) and was getting my semi-tactical, laughably glitchy game on sooner than I reckoned.

Wow, so where do I start? I love this game, it's everything I've been looking for in a tactical coop shooter and more! Unfortunately, that more just happens to be a hand full of annoying as shit glitches that make you want to stab yourself in the penis with a rusty drillbit.

The game is great, it's got everything it needs, a detailed map, a huge area of play, sandbox missions, technically detailed loadouts and all kinds of shit; but the glitches totally ruin what's supposed to be such an in depth, tactical game.

The most annoying of the many glitches is the one which makes AI enemies invulnerable in the chest-area. I MEAN GOD! I GET IT, YOU'RE WEARING KEVLAR! OK! FINE! BUT FUCK SAKE! I PUT A FULL CLIP OF M16 AMMO INTO YOU AT POINT BLANK RANGE AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING ALIVE!? WHAT'RE YOU, SUPERCUNT!?

The other most annoying one just happens to be the 'Your team refuses to follow you even though you've yelled "FUCKING FOLLOW ME YOU FAT USELESS CUNTS!" down the radio to them over a dozen times' glitch; which is fine if you're playing 4 Player coop, but makes the game more fucking annoying than the unholy abomination that's going to spew forth from Boxxys womb whenever, god forbid, she brings life into the world; if you're playing Campaign.

BRENTALFLOSS!

If you're reading this, which you're not, then you're the fucking coolest guy ever and whenever your album comes out, I'm going to buy it.

http://www.youtube.com/user/brentalfloss?blend=1&ob=4

See

lol

Enjoy

WILSON; AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

Play.com can go lick a tramps hairy beard

2009-10-08T13:44:00.005+01:00

(Fucking lick this, Play, you cock munching sons of mandble-toting, alien fuckpigs)

As the title would lead you to suggest; I'm not in a good mood with Play.com right now.

Naturally I pre-ordered the totally sexy looking Operation Flashpoint 2 Dragon Sauciness from Play, because they've got a pretty good history of getting games to me on time/the day before release.

AJSBNDASHBFHDVHKFDSVSDFVSDJVNSKDFVNSDF

Sorry, I'm really very angry.

The FUCKS are still packing my fucking OFP, they haven't even dispatched it yet, so unless they deliver it by fucking super-hero courier, there's not a chance it's going to get to me by tomorrow.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem. I woke up this morning before Uni thinking "I'll check my mail, and if they haven't dispatched it yet then I'll cancel the order and just go up to my local GAME tomorrow and pick it up myself.

But apparently, once it's gotten to the packing stage, you can't FUCKING CANCEL IT ANYMORE!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEE HEFSDNVJNVJKDNGDFGBNKDFNGJFDGBFJFDBNGBKJFGBGHKGFKJGFBKJGFJKGDJKSMDFK:LKSMADFVJLS!

Ricky FUCKING Gervais!

So I came up with a cunning plan; I'd go to Uni then, on the way back, I'd go to a cash point and draw out all my cashmonies. That way, when they go to draw the money out of my account before they send it...:

"Credit and Debit cards are debited on the day of shipping by Play.com. All prices include sales taxes (where applicable) unless otherwise stated, and no charge is made for shipping."

That'a a direct quote from the Terms of Service Play have on their website. My order hasn't been shipped yet, and they've FUCKING drawn the money out of my account, the cheeky bastards.

So now I have to wait for some pissy midweek delivery that's going to see me missing out on first day lulz AND stunting my play of the game because I can't devote a block of 3 days to it.

GOD DAMMIT I'M ANNOYED! FUCK!

Shit I'm enraged. I'm not ordering anything on a deadline from Play ever again, ever ever again. Fucking dirty gay jewbags. ARGH!

I want Operation Flashpoint....Waaaaaaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh *Cry*

Ossum Dudes Shocking Tale; A Halo Review

2009-09-29T15:14:00.009+01:00

(None of the rest of the unit knew it; but when in battle, the Rookie liked to rock out to 'Copa Cabana'. That's right; he's a Fanilow...)

Alright then; it's been a week since Halo ODST decided that it'd better just get it over with and release itself, and it seems to be about time that I let you all know what I think of it.

I've waited so long because, as usual, as soon as it came out I utterly loved it; I get new-game fever bad...and this time was no exception. If I had've written this when the game first hit the market, it'd have been all:

"OH FUCK I LOVE HALO! OH SHIT YEAH!"
"FUCKINHG AWESOME, I JUST CRUSHED LIKE A MABAZILLIAON GRUNTS WITH A HAMMER! HGFNGS!"

But I've had time to reflect, and I feel I can give you all a fairly balanced and un-fanboyish Halo ODST review. (So those of you look for my typical brand of bilious, swear happy shoe-shining. Look elsewhere today, my friend.)

We'll start off with: The Gameplay

Bungie have never really had a problem with their gameplay; Halo has always provided a staple of fun, button bashing, trigger happy shoot 'em up action. Bungie, however, marketed that they were going a different way this time; playing down the aspect of run and gun gameplay in favour of a more tactcial, subtler approach. I was really looking forward to this, considering it'd add much more depth to the game, slow it down, prolong shorter elements of the story and allow you to generally get more out of your game. I was a little disappointed, then, when I found out that this wasn't really the case.

They've toned down everything; the damage you do, the damage you can take, your sheild no longer exists (replaced, somehow, with bullet-stopping stamina...Still, he must be able to satisfy the lay-deez) and you've been given a health bar, meaning that you can no longer just run in, blast away, then hide until your sheild recharges, rinse & repeat. This sounds like a lot; but it really isn't. The fact of the matter is, they haven't changed the gameplay enough to make it a different game...I know, and I understand that, if they changed it all too much the game would no longer appeal to those people who liked the Halo series in the first place; but I still think that Bungie kind of stiffed us all on that front, essentially; all they did to Halo was make you smaller and turn up the difficulty...

The AI

Apparently (and I'm not 100% on this, I heard it from a friend) Bungie went back and completely overhauled the Halo engine for ODST. I'm not entirely certain what they did, but one noticeable change that's appeared is the difference in the AI. One of my biggest criticisms of Halo was the fact that the enemies in it were rediculously stupid. For example; Hunters, whose only weak spot is the GIANT MISSING PANEL OF ARMOUR ON THEIR BACK (what that's about I don't know...You'd think they'd just put some ballistic flexi-plating on it, but whatever, I'm not an expert on superfangled alien species and that) would frequently turn their backs on you by breaking out a can of Red Bull, getting completely jacked up on Speed and running head first straight past you whilst you shot them in the spine. They've, thankfully, changed this for ODST.

Hunters and Brutes will now swing digs at you whilst you're behind them. The Hunters heft their shields at you in a nice spinny move that makes you want to get out of there pretty spritely, and the Brutes will happily punch you in your stupid helmeted face with super Gorilla-Fu if you get anywhere near assassinating them. That said, working in co-ordination with your team mates, you can quite easily draw the fire of nasty Brutes and Hunters and get round behind them for the quick kill. The AI in ODST is, in my opinion, one of its biggest successes (which is nice, considering that one of the biggest selling points of the game is Firefight which pits you against waves of increasingly more annoying aliens)

The Stupid Visor Thing...

...is both a blessing and a curse. Whilst I like it, and it's very pretty and really useful; I find it hard to believe that the ODSTs would have such a nifty piece of tech, and the Spartans wouldn't...Maybe it's just me, having read the books and gotten into the whole "Halo Lore" thing, but I think that considering that Spartans kit costs about a Brazilian more dollars (that's the cost of one Brazil) than an ODSTs, they'd have thought to include that amazingly handy F.O.F. visor...Yeah, that one's probably just me...

All in All...

Halo ODST is a good game; but it's still Halo.

I Liked:

Deviation from the Norm
No FUCKING Master-Chief (who I hate, despite how awesome he is)
Improved AI
Teamwork dramatically improves gameplay

I Did Not Like:

It's still Halo, despite how much it's changed
The built up tactical element that, in my opinion, didn't deliver to the degree that it should have
The annoying visor that awesomespartans didn't have.

Something other than Halo ODST

2009-09-25T20:08:00.004+01:00

I accidently posted this (by accident) without anything in it...

...Sorry.

Anyway; my week has pretty much consisted of going to Uni and playing Halo ODST. The latter being the one I'm determined not to talk about, because I can't talk about it with out lots of general subversive Oohs and Ahhs and Hmms and Haas. So what am I going to talk about in this post?

No idea, you tell me.

Well obviously you wont, because no one ever leaves any fucking comments; so for want of a better topic, I'm going to talk about Ballanital Chancroids.

Ballanital Chancroids is a rare and fairly exotic Sexually Transmitted Infection.

This is a picture of Ballanital Chancroids:

*Five Minutes later; after googling pictures of Ballanital Chancroids and being violently ill into a bin*

I've decided against that; as I don't want to have pictures of horribly infected man-junk up on my blog for the world to think I'm gay/mentally diseased.

So instead, here's a small picture of a regular Chancroid...

I'm fairly certain that's on Man-junk, but considering it's not really ascertainable one way or the other, I figure it's pretty safe.

Now, Ballanital Chancroids or as I like to call it, Dick Cancer, is an incredibly painful and debilitating genital infection.

It's characterized by thick, bulbous pustules on the shaft of the penis.

That's pretty much all...

Sleep tight! I'll be back with more games as soon as something I hate comes out! Ciao!

Guitar Hero 5, Shadow Complex and OH MY GOSH, FUCKINGSHITFUCKBOLLOCKSODSTALALALALALALALALALALA!

2009-09-18T22:21:00.001+01:00

Sorry about the title...

I...get excited sometimes...

Moving swiftly on from that incestuous debacle, why it's incestuous I don't know, but there we go...

I bought Guitar Hero 5 at the weekend, don't know why, perhaps it's my subconscious mind trying to spite me and leave me penniless for Tuesdays release of Cashcow ODST, sorry, Halo ODST...I'm not sorry, not even slightly.

Yes, Guitar Hero 5...

Well, what can I say, really? It's Guitar Hero. The only major change in the entire thing is the menu background; but I can't really fault them for that, it is a very nice menu background. I suppose that doesn't matter, really. The gameplay for Guitar Hero is, quite literally, perfect. That said, it's not like it's a triumph of modern technology or human innovation is it: "Hit the buttons for the colours, and press the strum bar" unless you spend your day licking windows and snattering all over people on the bus, then you're going to be alright with it.

In short; Guitar Hero 5 is absolutely, completely and without a shadow of a doubt: Totally Average.

(What I mean by that is; It's nothing new, but it's still good.)

It's also, for those of you who want to get a new Guitar Hero game because you're stupid and don't realise that they're all exactly the same, got a pretty decent track list with it. Although, to be fair, I tend to find myself repeating Kryptonite, Sultans of Swing and Plug in Baby pretty much constantly, because they're the only songs on there I actually know...

I also bought Shadow Complex a few weeks ago, to riotous applause from the gaming community on the whole. Why they were clapping, I have no idea; but I think it's got something to do with me getting over my prejudice towards 2.5D games.

Let me explain my prejudice towards 2.5D games to you; I don't like them. It's as simple and as stupid as that. There's no reason for me not liking them, I mean they're fine, there's no major hiccoughs in the gameplay, everything is fairly smooth and graphically (at least in the case of Shadow Complex) they're actually quite pretty. All that as maybe, though; because I still don't fucking like them.

I don't know what it is about gaming, but in my opinion, there should be no more dimension based advancements until Virtual Reality comes along and I can ACTUALLY play Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball without feeling like I'm sitting outside a school in a van, wearing a raincoat and thick 70's style glasses; I say this because, when VR comes out I'll have my mouth so full of Helena's Tig Ol' Bitties that I wont give a fucking shit about what anyone else thinks at all. Until of course I'm taken into hospital to be treated for malnourishment and exhaustion.

My bias against 2.5D games aside; Shadow Complex is totally worth 1200ms points. I don't know what it is about it, but the game has an engaging story, a likable main character, excellent gameplay and way-awesome super wicked ultra cool looking exo-skeletal armour (that last one is a mega plus, by the by).

The gameplay flows well, although I did find aiming my gun at enemies who were out of the dimensions I could actually move in a little annoying at first, I got used to it eventually...I say eventually, I mean when I got to the end of the game and the entire thing was over...

The games progression is really fun; you essentially build your character up with a host of mandatory and optional items; there something like 100 different pickups to get, and apparently you can complete the game with only 5 of them, or something...What I'm trying to say is the game has a fair amount of replayability to it...

Long story short; Shadow Complex is a good game, as good as anything that's come out in the last few months, and considerably better than most of the dross we've had to sit through. It's worth buying if you've got money to spare.

Lastly, a cursory mention to Halos ODST game that's coming out on Tuesday the 22nd...Not that I'm counting...

Now, I have to play the responsible adult here, because I'm in University now and I'm not allowed to get super excited about games...

BUT FUCK IT LOOKS COOL!!! AHAHB HABHKDSBKFHDVKFJVSFJKDV!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, ON THE 6TH OF OCTOBER GUESS WHAT COMES OUT!? OPERATION MOTHER FUCKING FLASHPOINT, DRAGON RISING. WHICH LOOKS TOTALLY SHIT HOT AND MADE ME PISS MY PANTS WITH UNBRIDLED URINE SATURATED JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

(I have to stop now, because I'm crying tears of happiness at the thought of a 4 player co-op tactical first person shooter for the Xbox360)

Lady GaGas Peniz...The Hunt is over

2009-09-05T20:13:00.000+01:00

Right, short update.

In an earlier post, I commented on my on-going hunt into the validity of claims that Lady GaGa is, in fact, a ladydude.

I present, above, my evidence. Head to 25 seconds into the video, and look in awe at Lady GaGas man-junk. I warn you, once this video is over, you may be feeling confused and slightly ill.

This is normal. Just remember; as long as she's clothed, and you're only putting it in her mouth: It's A-Ok!

I kid, you're sick. Get off my blog you monster.

District 9

2009-09-05T16:25:00.000+01:00

(Dirty Ears Bill approves...)

Wilson Jenkins ▪ Bangin' Shades... says:
Fuck District 9 was amazing.

T Spoon ▪ This is going to melt your heart like a lump of cheddar in a warm shoe. says:
Yeah?
Looks like a great film

Wilson Jenkins ▪ Bangin' Shades... says:
Seriously, if Blomkamp is doing the Halo Movies, they are going to be intense.
D9 reminded me so much of the Halo Vidoc things that he did, you know the interviews with the survivors of New Mombassa? And the Firefight shorts they did.

T Spoon ▪ This is going to melt your heart like a lump of cheddar in a warm shoe. says:
Yeah

Wilson Jenkins ▪ Bangin' Shades... says:
Seriously, rather than going and seeing Inglourious again, go see it.
I'd eat it.
That's how tasty it was.
I would eat it with my mouth.

That sums up District 9.

That film, was fucking fantastic. I expected a lot of it, because it was Peter Jackson, and Neill Blomkamp (Who did a lot of stuff for Halo) and I was so not disappointed.

D-9 takes place in an alternate Johannesburg, where an alien spacecraft sits hovering over the city. The city is segregated, as can be seen throughout the opening sequence of interviews/documentary footage, with Humans living freely in the city and the aliens, or "Prawns" living in the slums of District 9.

The movie follows MNU (Multi-National United (Weird fucking name)) employee Wikus van de Merwe, who is tasked with arranging and executing the eviction of the Prawns from District 9 and moving them into a new, internment camp like area two hunderd miles away from Johannesburg.

YARR, HERE BE SPOILZORZ!!!

Paralleled with the eviction, is the story of Christopher Johnston; a prawn who is attempting to collect fuel for the lost command module of the alien mothership, so he can power it up and return to his home planet.

The two stories cross, when the MNU interrupts the distillation process of the fuel and kills Christophers friend. Wikus, who searches the prawns shack for any "finds" (Caches of weapons/alien technology) comes across a small cylinder filled with black liquid and ends up getting some of the contents sprayed in his face. He is later attacked and injured by Christophers friend, who consequently gets killed by an MNU chopper.

Wikus, who was sprayed with the black alien goo, finds himself feeling sicker and sicker as the day goes on, which culminates in him crashing into unconsciousness at a party being held to celebrate his promotion. When he's at the hospital, the doctors there decide to take a look at his arm (which he injured when Christopher's friend attacked him) and upon removing the bandages, find it's turned into a Prawn claw.

Wikus is taken into custody at MNU as Christopher and his son desperately try to find where their friend hid the distilled fuel. Whilst being held by MNU, Wikus sees that the scientists there perform secret, illegal experiments on captured Prawn subjects and is forced to undergo similar experiments, because he is seen to be changing into a Prawn. The scientists at MNU decide that Wikus has to die before they can learn all they can from him, so they attempt to kill him but he manages to escape using a degree of alien strength.

Now a fugitive, Wikus flees into District 9 and there meets with Christopher and his son where he learns of their plans to return to their planet, and also learns that they can reverse the changes that he's going through. Christopher tells him though, that they can do nothing without the fuel for the Command module, which is now being held in the secret underground chambers beneath the MNU headquarters. Wikus visits the head of a local Nigerian gang, from whom he steals a cache of alien weapons (Although the leader of gang promises him that he will find him, and eat his arm (Because he's fucking weird, and thinks, for some reason, that eating bits of Aliens will allow him to use their weapons...Fucking Nigerians man...)).

Christopher and Wikus assault the MNU HQ, where Christopher sees the tortures that are being done to his fellow aliens, and escape with the fuel. When they return to the command module, Chris tells Wikus that he'll have to wait three years to be treated, because he wants to return to his planet first, so he can bring help back for the rest of the aliens stranded on earth. Wikus doesn't like this, and clobbers Chris over the back of the head with a big stick.

Wikus powers up the Command module, but is shot down before he can reach the mothership. Meanwhile, Christopher is captured by MNU and is to be taken away for questioning. MNU forces pull Wikus from the wreck of the Command Module and load him to be taken back to MNU Headquarters. As the convoy of MNU vehicles (including the ones with Wikus and Christopher) make to leav D-9, they are attacked by the local Nigerian gang, who capture Wikus and take him to their leader...for eating...

Menwhile! Christophers son, who hid in the wreckage of the crashed module, activates the mothership remotely, and also powers up a Prawn battle-suit that's being held by the Nigerians. Before they can cut him up into little tiny pieces, the battle-suit identifies Wikus as a Prawn, and kills all of the humans around him. As this is going on, MNU soldiers take Christopher out of the truck he was in, and start being the living shit out of him to try and get information about why the Mothership is moving. They decide that, because he refuses to talk, they'll just kill him; but before they can, they are all brutally wtfpwned by Wikus in the Prawn Battle Suit.

Wikus escorts Chris to the downed module, but before they can get there, Wikus suit is disabled and he stays behind to hold off the soldiers, so Chris can get to the module and from there, back to the mothership. Chris makes it to the module, and activates the Motherships tractor beam to pull them up.

As they rise into the ship, they are attacked by Kobus Venter (a sadistic fuck-bird soldier) but Wikus manages to stop the attack, and they are able to reach the Mothership unmolested. Venter then proceeds to attack Wikus, who has had to flee the suit because it was so badly damaged by RPG/50. Cal fire but before he can kill him, he is pulled apart and eaten by a group of Prawns.

YARR, HERE BE NO SPOILZORZ!!!

Then some other stuff happens, but considering that the main plot is over and done with, I shan't go into that.

Wow, that was...boring. Yeah, can you tell I got really tired of trying to seriously describe the movie towards the end and started describing people with swear words?

Well, if that was all tl;dr for you,

DISTRICT 9 IS FUCKING BRILLIANT

SEE IT

NOW

STOP READING THIS

GET OFF YOUR ARSE

GO TO THE CINEMA

BUY SOME POPCORN

WATCH DISTRICT 9

JIZZ IN YOUR PANTS

GO HOME

WASH YOUR PANTS

THANK ME

BUY ME NICE GIFTS

SLEEP

Ben There, Dan That! and Time Gentlemen, Please!

2009-09-04T00:10:00.000+01:00

I bought two new games today.

Now, you might chastise me for this, considering that; in a previous post I told you all to save your money to spend on the amazing games that are coming out soon, but hear me out...

For a start; I have the attention span of a shoe, and constantly need something new to keep me entertained.

Also; I couldn't pass up two games for only £3.

The games I bought were, you guessed it: The obscure point-and-click indie titles "Ben There, Done That!" and "Time Gentlemen, Please!"...How the fuck did you guess that? You psychic or summit? By Christ, what have I done...

Anyway, I bought the games because, like I said they only cost £3; but also, they were both under 100MB and so could be downloaded fairly spritely on my hideously abysmal Irish internet (which, incidentaly, is powered by religious strife, repressed paedophilia, drunken fighting, potatoes and Guinness (Oh, and to a lesser extent, Harp)).

So I downloaded them; and you know what? I was pleasantly surprised.

(As you can see, the art leaves something to be desired. The something in question being 'art')

Sorry, the picture is a bit small...

Well, anyway the games follow their creators Ben Ward and Dan Marshall (Of Zombie Cow studios, creators of the world renowned *snigger* "Gibbage" (Which is, apparently, a game!)) on their surprisingly amusing adventures through time and space.

Ben There, Dan That...

...Finds our useless heroes aboard a strange Alien Craft, after being unwittingly transported aboard because they combined one item with another item, to create a third item that would help them fix their telly in time to catch that evenings episode of Magnum P.I.

Needless to say, as the game is a point-and-click adventure, it requires traipsing around a variety of increasingly ridiculous locales (See; popping out of a cows arse into a world populated by shitty superheroes).

Time Gentlemen, Please! picks up where the original stops off, with our bumbling band of barely cohesive, nonsensical drawl-merchants having to once again save the world from...Well, this time it's from Hitler and his army of Robo-Dinos...

What sets the two games apart from others in the genre, is the fact that they're actually funny. It's a pretty rare thing these days to have a game make you lol so hard you have to tell your friends about it over MSN. The dialogue is brilliant, the back and forth banter between Dan and Ben is totally chuckle-worthy, although it does get a bit tedious at times, having to listen to their inane tittering when you really don't want to (No offence to the boys, they make me lols, but it can be tiresome (Especially in the first instalment, where the text is utterly horrible looking)).

Ben there, Done that! and Time Gentlemen, Please! are the first games that I've really, truly enjoyed playing in quite a while, and even though you can get them for free off the Zombie Cow website I'd suggest you buy them off Steam (For £3) just because they're completely worth it, and the ZC team deserve your money.

P.S. Incidentaly, there are guides for each game; You will need them. (Especially for Time Gentlemen, Please! that game has some seriously fucking convoluted moments...)

Vampire the Masquerade, Inglourious Basterds, Alanis Morisette and the Joy of Killing Spiders with Shoes...

2009-08-23T22:20:00.000+01:00

Reader; Vampires. Vampires; Reader.

Right. One thing to clear up before I tell you how much I would feel this game up on a train, like a Japanese schoolgirl;

Thanks to Stephanie Meyer (May her bloated, evil carcass rot in hell for all eternity) and her FUCKING DREADFUL series of Twilight novels (About a NECROPHILIAC emo teenage mother and her MASSIVE FANNY of a vampire boyfriend) vampires and anything at all pertaining to them (That doesn't include the words "Bram" "Stoker" or "Dracula") have become a "faggots only" zone.

This is not the case with Vampire the Masquerade.

That aside; I would adopt this game, and raise it as my own.

It's really, really good. I can't really put it much better than that.

As the name would suggest, you play as a vampire (DERP!); one who's been left sire-less after the Camarilla (That's the ruling body of vampires) murdered them for makin' vampires without permission.

You get to choose your own clan of Vampires (Or, alternatively, you can answer a bunch of pretty fuckin' stupid questions and have the game pick for you; which was a nice touch, I thought) and with that choice, comes a special set of abilities and bonuses.

All of this is irrelevant of course, because the only clan you'll ever want to be a part of is Clan Tremere: Not only do they look the most suave and svelte mother-fuckers out there, but they can also BLOW PEOPLE UP WITH THEIR MINDS.

Now ain't that cool?

Beyond all that, the game is a pretty standard RPG. It plays kinda like a cross between Oblivion, Deus Ex and Neverwinter Nights (Although it's not as good as any of those...Well, maybe Oblivion; gameplay wise anyway)

I have a feeling that my epic joygasm over VtM:B is all down to my love of simple, western RPGs in a world that's saturated with scummy, turn based JP crap. So I don't know. If you liked Deus, Elder Scrolls and Neverwinter; give Vampires a shot. You may just find yourself a tasty little gem!

(Addendum; Beware. Some of the vampires in the game may give you the horn...)

(I fucking love that picture...OMIGAD IT'S SO COOOOOOOOOL!!!!!)

I went to see Inglourious Basterds on Saturday...

Now, I'm a Tarantino fan. If the man were here right now I'd fall down to the ground and kiss his feet (But then again, I'd do that to Sam Rami (For Evil Dead and Darkman, not for Spiderman...Never for Spiderman.)) so my views on the movie could be held as biased.

But they're not. Know why? Because Inglourious Basterds is fucking amazing, and anyone who thinks it isn't amazing is wrong. This is not my opinion, by the way; it's fact.

It is a scientifically proven fact that Inglourious Basterds is amazing. You heard it here first, kids.

On Friday, I had a Tarantino fest. I watched all of his movies that I have on DVD:

Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Dusk 'til Dawn
Death Proof
Kill Bill Vol 1 (I do have Kill Bill Vol 2 on DVD...Sadly. (That's the one of his movies that I really don't like...))

I also watched Planet Terror and Desperado, because he's in them (And Rodriguez is also a pretty beastly director).

So I was all set up and shiz to go watch Inglourious on Saturday, and I wasn't fuckin' disappointed.

Brad Pitt? Amazing

Christoph Waltz? Amazing

Mélanie Laurent? Amazing(-ly hot. I mean damn. DAMN. I'd certainly...em...Something dirty sounding about cinemas. Wouldn't you?)

Hitler? Amazing

I mean Jesus. A movie that can make Hitler seem fuckin' hilarious is a damn successful picture in my book...

(Oh, and I have to give a cursory mention to the abso-fuckin-lutely hilarious Mike Myers. Who, even when playing a stiff, British general (Who has absolutely no funny lines at all, and tbh a fairly acceptable accent) can still make me laugh my fucking nutsack off.)

She's kinda pretty...amirite?

I also (linking fairly inelegantly into my next point...(You fuckhead...)) went through a mad Alanis Morisette revival thing recently.

Dunno why, but the crazy, feminist, Canadian hippy has really gotten to me. She has a really nifty voice...

...I'm so gay.

And, for my last point;

There is a great joy to be had in crushing spiders with shoes. Sure, the goo gets everywhere, and if you're a vegan or a christfag well then you have to deal with that whole faggoty morality thing you guys have going for you, but in the end it's pretty fuckin' satisfying.

Oh and no. I'm not putting a picture up of a crushed spider. I dislike the unpleasant, ugly, eight legged fuckers....

Excitment is in the aiiiiiirrrrrr.....!!

2009-08-18T19:57:00.000+01:00

Holy screaming dog shit, it's almost September!

You know what that means right? That means Halo ODST is just around the corner (Then down a short alleyway and across the road, we have the massive avalanche of amazing new titles) and all we sad, repressed Halo nerds, who've all become sick and sorely disappointed with Halo 3, can once again ride high on our Trikes of Justice, looking down on all those poor, PS3 owning fools, and smiling our smug smiles. (Well, until we've gotten tired and bored of being beaten at ODST by fuming angry seven year olds; who need a swift kick in the nuts and a glass of water to cool down)

"So, what are we to do?" You ask me, your faces aglow with childish joy "How can we ration our moniez so we don't miss out on any of the good games coming to a store near us soon?"

You save, worthless peons. Save like you've never saved before. Now get back to the mine, you pitiless dogs, before I tan your hide with the Cat O' Nine-Tails. (See that? Seamless merger of Ruthless Mine Foreman and Malicious Pirate Boson. Fucking Oscar worthy.)

Yeah, it's a bit of a quandary for we few, we happy few, we band of brothers who don't actually have jobs/trust-funds and still have to get our sweet gaming fix.

So, in an attempt to give a helping hand to those who need it, and for my own piece of mind about the upcoming surge in interesting delicacies on the market; Here's a few things you can do to help yourself out!

1. Save your fucking money
This may seem like a pretty obvious step to take; but you wouldn't believe the amount of people who, when the monsoon of beastly looking games finally comes, will still waste their money on tedious fripperies like food, or toiletries. Think of all the money you'll save eating out of the bin! And, AND! If you smell, people won't want to be near you, alleviating all those troublesome and expensive social encounters.

God damn, I'm good. I should be on the fucking money show, this is gold! (Gold! Always believe in your soooouuulll!(You're indestructible! Wooooaaah! Always bellliiiieeeevvveee!))

2. Trade in your old games
I know, I know. You get pestered about this every time you go into GAME; but did you ever stop to think that they have a point? I trade in my old games all the time, and you know what? It's a fucking life saver. I wouldn't have been able to afford half the games I've got without trading in the old dross I had lying around.

Now, when it comes down to it, you're unlikely to get a lot in exchange for Galaga, Tekken 4 or, lets face it, even Halo 3. But you know what? It adds up, my friend. And a fiver off might just be the break you need...(I don't think Galaga was ever released as an independent game for a console, so unless you want to cart an arcade cabinet into your local shopping centre, then I advise against that particular chestnut)

3. Make a list
This goes without saying; everyone who is anyone will be putting down the games that they really, really want into a list in the coming months. I know, sounds gay right? But think about it...; You walk in to the shop, and you dander on over to the Xbox 360 (Or, you know, whatever your poison) display, and start browsing. Something catches your eye, and you think; "Hey, not bad. Looks like it could be cool, think I'll buy that!"

Then, next week, when Borderlands comes out; WHERE'S YOUR MONEY NOW, CHUMP!? THAT'S RIGHT, DOWN THE FUCKIN' DRAIN ON A COPY OF SEGA MEGADRIVE CLASSICS 7: COLUMNS EDITION!!

You make me sick...But my point still stands. Make sure you have a very, VERY clear idea of the games you want, and the games you can do without.

4. Ration it out!
I know man, I know. You want all the games, right? You don't want to have to choose between the ones you want and the ones you don't...Life's so hard!!

Well buck up, pal! Because when it comes down to it, unless you're fuckin' Rosie O'Donnell (Don't ask, I just have issues with the fat, money grubbing lesbian whore...) then you're not going to be able to get a finger into each, tasty gaming pie.

You need to prioritize, is what you need to do; What way do you play? Are you a single-player (Poor lonely bastard (Or, alternatively, person with life...)) or a multi-player? the way I usually end up doing it, is getting the ones with the best multi-players first; because those are what I play the most. For example, Borderlands and Left4Dead 2 are both high on my list; while the likes of Alan Wake, an exclusively singleplayer game, can wait until I have the money to spare.

5. Buy online! (Oh yes, and for the sake of my OCD; Also Discounts :D)
I know there's a certain wistful charm that saturates trips down to the local games store, where you can kick back and chat with the guys there about the latest releases. But lets face it, they generally aren't the cheapest.

Sites like Play and, to a lesser extent, Amazon are a godsend to the budget gamer. I'm all for supporting your local GAME, but lets face it, the company's a heartless, money eating monstrosity.

So when it comes to getting your games, make sure you check online before you go anywhere.

THAT SAID! You know that pointless old GAME reward card you've been handing to the guy behind the counter for the last fuckin' century? Those points can be used to get your ass a sweet discount; so don't knock your local shop just yet!

Check your points online if you don't know what you've got on there; You can link your card to a GAME online account (I'm not sure about other companies, but if in doubt, go in store and ask them to check (I know, I know; it's a hassle right? Well fuck, Jim, I didn't realise that you were such a massive fanny.)

Discounts can mean the difference between picking up that new copy of Modern Warfare 2 and going home in a massive strop, and then beating your wife/partner furiously around the head with a frozen chicken. (See? I'm saving lives here!)

I'll leave you to think all that over guys. Hopefully, that'll help you keep your cool over the coming season of epic new games, and who knows? Thanks to me, there may even be a few more screaming baby-badasses on CoD6...

...Fuck.

Company of Heroes, World of Warcraft and Lady GaGas Penis...

2009-08-06T17:23:00.000+01:00

I'm going to come right out and say it, straight off the bat, no bullshit, 100% legit hxc mo' fucker kind of stuff here;

I Fucking Love Company of Heroes.

Do you know why I love Company of Heroes? NO! No you don't! So I'm going to tell you, and you're damn well going to listen, you bloody mooch you.

Company of Heroes is a tactics based RTS game. What that means, to me anyway, is that it's a small scale, close quarters game; rather than the generic, one billion soldiers on the field, lolololiowndjoo kind of RTS. (Which, by the way, I suck massive throbbing penises at. (Just so you know.))

Being a...well, a RTT (That's trademarked, y'hear? That means you, Ubisoft! I swear, if you steal another one of my ideas you evil, heartless, splinter-cell ruining cunts I'll hunt you down and force you to play Double Agent's multi-player until you bleed to death from the anus) makes it much better than an RTS, because it doesn't make me pull my hair out frantically trying to navigate the massive map and stop the spade-faced, Jewish fuck-merchants who're attacking me from every angle.

Let me throw down a scenario for you here (Push the envelope, think outside the box, elbow the monkey in the sternum and other meaningless yuppie tripe); Me, Moogle and T Spoon thought to ourselves last night:

"Hey, we're cool, vibrant, happening modern gentlemen; Lets all play a game of Company of Heroes over a cool draft beer and some alternative rock music. Yeah."

"So there we were; Two Wehrmacht commanders, and a unit on assignment from the Elite Panzer division. We air-dropped into American controlled territory, just two Sturmtrooper units and a group of Fallschirmjager.

We quickly hide our units in the brush, sneaking them up to the drop zone in effort to clear the American bastards and allow us to drop in more units. General Hausman-Moo Shdat the Third orders his Fallschirmjager unit to flank the Filthy Allied pig-dogs Flak cannon, whilst Hier Shpun Krieg and I sent our Sturmtroopers to cover General Moo Shdat and his men.

Fire blazes overhead as the Ack-Ack cannon spots the Fallschirmjager, bravely giving their lives for the cause of the fatherland. Heir Shpun and I manage to destroy the Americans with a consignment of handily obtained Panzershrek while General Moo Shdat brings in another Fallschirmjager unit in from the air..."

That was an excerpt from my new book; "War: As Led by a Trio of Fucking Useless Bastards".

Our mission was to rescue ten POWs from an American POW camp....It took us three hours.

Company of Heroes is fucking hard.

In the end, we managed to fire-bomb more POWs than we actually rescued and we ended up sending well over a thousand brave Nazi men to their deaths. What can I say? We were doing our part for the deconstruction of the German-Fascist regime...Totally.

Anyway, the whole idea is we had huge fucking spades of fun last night, in our three hour game, where I came last, and we only managed to make a fraction of the points of the loosing team...Doesn't sound fun, does it? But it was, you bastard. It was bloody amazing, and I'd do it again. (Although, admittedly, I'd probably try and kill less POWs with fiery death-rain next time)

As for World of Warcraft...

I dinged level 80 the other day, and upon doing so instantly realised that everyone who plays World of Warcraft is a total douchebag of purple proportions (Little WoW joke for you there, huzzah)

I have yet to get one group for a Heroic Instance. I mean, come on, I know I'm a noob and I know I'm a Death Knight; but show a little decency, you shits.

And, to finish off the title, I must give a cursory mention to Lady GaGas penis. Which exists, no matter how hard she tries to hide it.

My enquiries into the existence of said penis have yet to yield sufficient results...

...The hunt goes on.

A post that has almost entirely nothing to do with games at all...;

2009-07-29T19:17:00.000+01:00

Considering that the games market is a little bit slow at the minute (by slow I mean horribly, horribly shit) I asked my cadre of Exbax amigos to give me some ideas about what to put into my next entry; what I got was this:

Wilson Jenkins ▪ I came when I heard you'd defeated the Elite 4! - Professor Oak; He came. says:
Failboat
I'm trying to come up with a new blog entry....Any ideas?

Tom says:
why you fail at life

T Spoon ▪ Eat it boys, i'm likin' this way. says:
Thats you.

Wilson Jenkins ▪ I came when I heard you'd defeated the Elite 4! - Professor Oak; He came. says:
Awwwwww,

T Spoon ▪ Eat it boys, i'm likin' this way. says:
Your failures at life and wit

Wilson Jenkins ▪ I came when I heard you'd defeated the Elite 4! - Professor Oak; He came. says:
Awwwwwww.

Which was...disheartening. (The conversation then fell into a bit of an argument between us over Cock of Doodie Modirn Gayfuckstoopid 2; because apparently games where you could run around like a happy chappy killing every mother-fucker in sight with a big gun aren't 'fun'.)

But, since it's the best they could come up with, and weren't willing to put forth any ideas which didn't make me cry, I thought I may as well give it a shot; in a sort of sporting, mentally scarred kind of way.

So...

The Reasons Why I Fail at Life and Wit:

Reason One; Wit
I use big words too much. Not so much in this post, but I have to admit I do rather abuse the dictionary a little bit. I can't help it, I'm a word junkie, I need words like heroin; sadly. I mean, I could try and do it less....Or you could try and be less fucking stupid, I don't know? Jesus, I'm performing an important public service by broadening your shamefully stunted vocabulary you cock-washer. God, you try and do your bit for the good of society and THIS is what you get! On top of all of this, there's the fact that I'm not actually that funny. At least, not on my own. Sure, big words can sometimes look silly, and get a laugh. But profanities and dictionary-searching can only get you so far in life; sadfaic...With this in mind, and assuming that at least profanity hasn't gotten me as far as it can; Fucking, Ballsing, Dickless, Jewfart, Cock-mongler: Hooray for swearing!

Reason Two; Life
I'm a lazy cunt. Well, this one's pretty self explanatory. I'm a lazy cunt who doesn't like doing anything that's even remotely difficult...That's pretty much it...

Well then; that's that explained, I guess we can move on to games!

Lately I haven't been playing much; as explained at the top of the page, the games market is currently in hibernation, awaiting the triumphant return of Call of Duty to our local shelves, whereby our rivers will turn to blood and plagues of pre-pubescent little nOObz will descend upon us and the world will end in a barrage of badly worded insults and high pitched, squeaky little voices.

So, until the uhm...Gamepocalypse? Well, until that happens, there isn't really going to be a lot going on; so I imagine that my blog posts will get increasingly more bizarre and irrelevant up until then.

Goodbye; SHABBADOO!

Harry Potter and The - No, you know what? I figure that they fucked the movie up so badly that I'm going to give it a new name. That new name is...

2009-07-21T16:56:00.000+01:00

..."The Half-Baked Plot"

Ooh! Cutting and intelligent satire, John Stewart eat your heart out...Pity it's about a fucking Harry Potter movie, right?

So, those of you who know me well enough will know that I'm a pretty big fan of the Harry Potter series. (I am, yes, well aware that this makes me a Gay, Book-Reading Fannyboy.)

What you probably don't know is that I've pretty much been a fan of the movies that they've made so far. (Even though, in my opinion, Michael Gambon and the infuriating script-faggots that've been drafted in to carve their simple brand of inelegant dickery into large stone tablets have completely and totally fingerfucked Dumbledore into the wild and inescapable blackness of Oblivion. (And not the Elder Scrolls Oblivion, to get out of there all you had to do was walk through a generic, copypasta red garden, steal some fucking stone that somehow managed to give you magical powers, and wait to be spit out of the ensuing destruction by the divine hand of almighty Akatosh himself. I mean the proper Oblivion, the real balls-to-the-wall, gaping black abyss kind.))

I went to see the latest instalment on Saturday, the newly entitled "Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Plot" because I thought that, given the fairly high quality of the rest of the movies, this one would be a decent magical romp through glorious...wizard-dum. (Smooth.)

I couldn't have been more wrong. Well no, I could have been more wrong, but only if the movie turned out to be a two and a half hour long series of looped footage featuring a Squirrel taking a shit in a forest. (Although I'll admit, that would've probably been more entertaining...)

I don't know who wrote the movie, and to be quite frank I think if I did know I'd probably go round to their house and take a dump on the bonnet of their car. They seem to think that they can get away with changing the entire premise of the book! What the fuck is all that about!?

I expected to see Harrys slow realisation of his inevitable destiny, and what I got was a half-assed attempt to make a Twilight-esque teen drama about young love. I mean COME THE FUCK ON!

I know that the book had elements of that in it, what with Harry falling in love with Ginny, and the sexual tension between Ron and Hermione rising to an embarrassingly ridiculous level and, you know, I liked that! It added another element to the book, something interesting on the sidelines that you could stop and take a look at every once in a while, like a cheerleader with her top off.

But that's not what the book was about! So why the fuck did they feel the need to make the film into such a pestilential cluster-fuck!?

Oh yes! And, on a particular note; That one scene, in the Burrow, where Ginny bends down to suck Harry o- sorry, 'tie Harrys shoelace' is just wrong....

As for Dumbledore; I hope that there's a special place reserved in hell for Michael Gambon for what he's done to that man. I was fucking happy that old beardy popped his clogs at the end of the movie, because it means that Gambon can't step in and hash it up again when the next flick comes around. They've put Dumbledore in a meat grinder with Kenneth Williams, Billy Connelly and a pre-liberation East German Prostitute named Inga, who looks just a little bit like a man and enjoys S&M and Buggery; and come out with something that, quite frankly, I just don't even want to look at.

All in all, I was fucking disgusted with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, I'd suggest you go and see it at your own discretion, but I don't think that I could bring myself to offer it even that, meagre praise...

...On a lighter note, if you haven't read the books and thusly aren't bothered with the FUBAR plot and vomit-enducing character alterations, by all means give it a watch, I'm sure you'll find it fairly enjoyable...

Oh yes, and this is a games blog, right? So...What have I played lately...?

Well, Battlefield 1943 came out the other week...it's....good...

I'm sorry; I seem to have used up all of my adjectives fuming about the Harry Potter movie...Without them, I'm powerless. I just can't create the bile I need to defame everything I see...

So, until next time...

Of Baby Pandas and Job Seeking...

2009-06-07T15:18:00.000+01:00

I'm just going to get this out of the way at the very start here;

I found this picture on MSN today, in part of their images of the week thing;

I would just like to point out that, for the record; I think Baby Pandas are FUCKING DISGUSTING looking. I mean jesus christ, look at that thing; It's fuckin' hideous.

As the second section of the title would suggest, I'm looking for a job. For a start, it doesn't have to be paying; I mean, It would be nice, of course, to be paid; but at the minute it's not entirely nessicary.

Anyway, as before I've rekindled my inkling to join the world of journalism, and this time I'm going to be a little more active in my persuit of a job.

SO! If there's anyone reading this who thinks they'd like to give me a job on a website (Remember, paying or not, it's all experience) or if there's anyone who knows of one going, then let me know by email or comment.

Love you.

MS at E3; My thoughts...

2009-06-01T20:31:00.000+01:00

This is a sort of running commentary I did of the announcements made at the E3 Microsoft conference, I missed the start of it, only picked it up at Splinter Cell Conviction. (The start is a little out of order, because I'm about as slow as one of those beaten, beleaguered looking donkeys you see on TV in those ads for foundations to help donkeys who've basicly been shat on by the world. (That's very slow, in case you didn't catch...))

Halo ODST
Halo Reach
The Milk of the Cash Cow is sour...But still, silenced SMGs? Pretty.

Alan Wake
Personally, looks a little gay; I've been waiting for Alan Wake for a long time, seems really interesting and all that, but really? Wake? Why were you shooting at that wall, you rapist. Come on man, grow a pair and don't go wasting your ammo, You need it for when all that scary "Dark" comes back again...

Forza 3
HOLY FUCK, this game looks amazing! I mean really, really good; I'm not big on racing games to be perfectly honest but wow, that one looks really fuckin' stunning. Like, Helen of Troy sexy.

Splinter Cell Conviction
Just...Fuck. Sam Fisher, you're my fuckin' hero. I fuckin' love you brah. Seriously, only guy I would do (Except for Johnny Depp, he's a dream...)

Last.fm on XBL
Wow...Radio on my Xbox...That's what I have a fucking radio for, thanks. And get this, Free Radio? Fuck, breaking new ground! Thanks for that, Xbox team!

Netflix
Doesn't exist in my country, so I don't give a hairy shit.

Sky on XBL
Now that's what I'm talking about, well done boys, you've finally brought something good to the XBL dashboard. Yeah, I remember your last dicking approach to Dashboard improvements, it still has me ramming my fist into my television every time my fucking guide freezes.

1080p Movies, Instant Watch Movies and More availability.
Did he seriously just say InstantOn1080pHD? Is that really the best name they could come up with? Fuck, I could scrape the sweat off my ballsack, wipe it off on a piece of paper and the unintelligible whimper that a dog makes when forced (At taser point) to lick it would be a better name.

Cinemas
Really? That's embarrassing. If I want to go to the cinema with my friends, I'll go to the fucking cinema...Come on, Gamers need to get out more, for christs sake!

Facebook
Felicia Day (MARRY ME! MAAARRRRYYY MEEEEE! OH GOD! I LOVE YOOOOOU, FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK!!!! PLEASE! (Oh fuck, she has Facebook, god, you had to go ruin yourself woman...I'm sorry, the wedding's off.))
I hate facebook, so lets move on, or die.

Twitter
Along the same lines, just with my newfound, facebook-related disgust at the otherwise statuesque representation of human perfection that is Felicia Day

Don Mattrick
Hey guy, How's it going?
Way to speak guy, Meta Guh Sorid? Don't take it out of the poor JP for gods sake, he can't help that he speaks Engrish like a gap-toothed moron.

MGS on Xbox
Wow...I'm uh, not impressed, to be honest. Not a huge fan, they'll need to do a lot to make it more than poorly sneaking around some dull witted balaclava wearing retards with exclamation marks over their heads.
Raiden looks cool mind, with his amazing metal Jaw. Pity he was such a fanny in MGS2.

Motion Controllers
Fuck off, don't pull a Sony on us, you fucks, don't steal Nintendos innovation.

No controller required (Project; Natal)
If that works....Well wow, could be pretty fun. It won't work though, to be honest, they never do. Also, how shit is that guy as a Pitt crew? Seriously, he's so fucking bad, had Jenson Button had him in his crew, he wouldn't have stood a chance this year...
HOLY SHIT, You can use it to change womens' clothes? Can we take them off? Sweeeeeet. I'm getting that shit yo'.

Stephen Spielberg
Wow, he's a gamer? I wonder what he plays...I dunno if I like this whole Project Natal thing...Honestly, seems a bit gimmicky. Sure, I know that it's pushing the boundaries, but do we really want to push them in that direction? I'm sorry, but I don't want Xbox to be bound in by those stupid fucking fitness games that have become the mainstay of the Wii these days...

Don Mattrick
Is a bit of a cunt...

Natal Dashboard
Looks retarded...Get your pathing and shit right guys...The avatars look like a drunk Greek at a wedding.
Abby...You're kinda hot, but seriously...You look like an idiot, girl, I hope you got paid a massive bonus for that.
Also, that JP sounding white boy who's presenting this thing loks HIGH AS FUCK.

Live Paint
I have all the artistic talent of a dead fucking mollusc, I couldn't care less about this shit...
Does look fun mind you, but to be honest, tubby looks a little sweaty after it, probably too much excercise for me.
"Hey Abby, want to come back up and help me make my elephant" Come on, dude, you're never going to get her into the sack with lines like that.
Finished thing looks shit, F-, See me after class.

Peter Molyneux
I hate you, you baldy bastard! You ruined a game that could've been SO AMAZING! God damn it!

Milo
Hey Milo, ever heard of molestation? No? How about you get in the van and I explain it to you...
Okay Molyneux, you've got me, I'm impressed dude. You've got some of my love back, you scary, unnerving, bald little liar you.

All in all, an impressive conference. I missed the start of it, sadly, but still what I saw was pretty amazing. I'm still on the fence with Project Natal, I dunno about the whole "You're the controller" shpeel, but I have to admit that the whole thing with Milo tipped the balance in favour of the likey-likey. What can I say? I'm impressed by simulated human interaction.

Anyway, short of Peter Molyneux earning some of my respect back, and me finding out that, whoever Don Mattrick is, he's a massively unenthusiastic cuntface, then I've kind of covered everything. (I know, I covered those last two as well, but they were worth emphasising again.)

E3 2k9 and Japsai Fisting

2009-06-01T14:54:00.000+01:00

So, E3 starts tonight! Hooray! (Internet sarcasm = Win. (Wait....whut?)) I honestly don't give that much of a shit about E3. It's in a whole 'nother country, so until I either get a job that pays me to go over to PLAY GAMES FOR EVER! or, indeed, get a real job that pays me full stop, I'm probably not going to care that much.

But this year is different (Well, I say that, it's not really, but Ubi are announcing their latest Splinty Cell, and Assassins Creed games and sweet mother of Jesus do they look fuckin' cool. (They do! Don't call me a liar, you homo, I'll shank you in the kidneys! What, am I not allowed to have enthusiasm!? I fuckin' hate you guys...))

Anyway, I know not many people read this, I know, hard to believe right? But just in case any of you who do want to watch E3 (Like the sad fucks that you are (It's alright, I'll be watching it too brew, don't worry, you're no sadder than me (I feel bad for you (Also; QUADRUPLE BRACKETS FOR THE FUCKING WIN BREW! OH YES, MANLIEST BRACKETING SEQUENCE EVER!)))) then, if you can manage to remember what we were talking about before the eruption of parenthesise, here are a couple of links to E3 watching goodness for you.

http://e3.gamespot.com/press-conference/

http://www.xbox.com/en-GB/e309/default.htm

P.S. If you want to watch it tomorrow (Which means you're a massive cunt, because only massive cunts watch anything but the Microsoft Announcements.) then the link from Xbox.com will probably not work.

Also, as the title of the blog entry may indeed suggest, I have another topic to touch upon. That's right, Japsai Fisting.

It sounds painful, it really does, in fact, if you can manage to imagine it, you'll probably cry and roll around on the floor clutching your crotch and screaming in visceral agony...

For the ladies, I've got nothing. (But I guess that doesn't matter since there's no womanz on the interbuttz. Aight?)

Cheerybye, and happy E3 Day fuckwits. I do love you so. (I don't, but the sentiment is there. (It's not, and I hate you.))

Demigod and Killing Floor; A.k.a. HOLY FUCK!

2009-05-29T20:10:00.000+01:00

Over the past week I have (naturally) not been doing any fucking work at all, and in the pursuit of truth, justice and the American way have come across two fuckin' jizzworthy games.

First off, I got a copy of a new (I say new, it's probably been out for fucking years but who gives a shit, amirite?) zombie survival/horror/fps/tps/welding simulator game called Killing Floor.

I'm telling you, that game is gods way of telling me that I need to wake up and punch an invisible zombie lady in the cunt. That's how good Killing Floor is.

Killing floor is Left4Deads violent, dirty, mean, bloody, ugly retarded cousin. Think Susan Boyle with a bloody nose and a chainsaw. It's a six player, zombie based survival-horror cooperative game, without any of the genre defining Left4Deads interesting and original features.

It's a sort of cross between Counter Strike and Left4Dead, you start off with a trusty Nine-Milly (With attached flashlight) and have to fight your way through a horde of oncoming zombies. Once this first round is over, you have to make your way to an inexplicably placed trader (I mean really, a Trader? In a Biotics Lab? Come on.) and buy yourself some bitchin' new firearms (I'm a personal fan of the Chainsaw, before you ask...)before the whole thing starts over again, only this time, there's more Zombies, and some new and interesting specimens for you to chop to pieces. This goes on for a certain number of rounds (Usually 4 or 7, but you can set it to longer) until the final round, where you have to fight the scary fucker of a boss, who has a minigun and a rocket launcher (And is a massive, MASSIVE Dickface. (He also has a mangina chest...but that's a whole different story.))

Doesn't sound that great? Well fuck you, you dickless rapist. It's amazing. I had a 4 player LAN game of it with some friends of mine in college, and we had a blast welding ourselves into a tiny little fenced off room and lolhard-ing at all the zombies as they came near us and instantly got incinerated by an angry ginger man with a flamer-thrower. (That's right, a Flame-Thrower. That's where you went wrong VALVe, shame on you boys, you should know better.)

Having rekindled my interest in new and interesting games, I asked my ever resourceful friend to let me know if he found anything else worth a look into, and he came back to me with an obscure title by Gas Powered Games, called Demigod.

Now, I'm going to give you a picture here, something that I haven't done since my post about Neverwinter Nights, but trust me, it'll be worth it

> > >

Would you, or would you not (Bear in mind we're talking hypothetical here, throw away all your inhibitions...) TAP. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. THAT?

I know my answer....(It's yes, fuckwit, in case you're a massive spastic and hadn't worked it out.)

Anyway! Back to the actual game...

Despite the fact that it looks AMAZING (The environments aren't that great, but the characters are superb) it also has really consistently good gameplay.

It's essentially a cross between an RPG and an RTS, you play as a Demigod, you can choose between 8 different ones, picking either an Assassin or a General (Generals tend to be support players, healing, protection and the like, whereas Assassins lean towards the heavy DPS. (My personal favourite is the Torchbearer, or, as my friend Stuart calls him "Easymode"...))

Once you've chosen your player, you go about one of the small arena style battlefields capturing flag points and wiping out the other player and his army. You level up in a similar fashion to an RPG adding new skills and abilities along the way, and you can outfit your player with a number of items based on your playstyle and what that leans toward. You can also upgrade your own army, adding new types of troops to the constantly spawning waves of stupid looking weak cockwits that you get at the start.

The games story is seriously fuckin' weak, I switched off about 30 seconds into the opening video and let it all wash over me like so much unnecessary shite, but honestly, it's just not that fucking important.

The game is AMAZINGLY fun to play, I mean really, really addictively fun. Honestly? I'm really badly flaky when it comes to games, especially when I have a slightly maybe little tiny bit illegal copy of a game, and I can't play it online...But that hasn't stopped me at all with Demigod, I've been ploughing through it, just having epix fun mullering entire armies with a single AoE Fireblast. (My god that really is fun, you need to try it.)

I dunno how this one has slipped past people, I really don't....It's a really fun game, and if you don't buy it after reading this, then you're a huge cunt and I hope a fat hairy American who's cosplaying Sailor Moon in the skimpiest costume ever comes around your house and ties you to a chair before giving you a hideous, manboob filled lapdance followed by a sensual ballsack-sweat back massage and then finishes it all off by jacking off onto your sweat drenched, soiled whimpering body...

Holy Ballsweat; A New post!

2009-05-23T18:03:00.001+01:00

Jesus I haven't been here in a good long time...

So, in my infinite wisdom I was browsing the webverse earlier and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I remembered that I had this blog on the go...I say on the go, of course I mean totally stationary, blank, vapid and empty of anything that could be reasonably called content. So, after lulzing at some of my previous entries (Because I'm the kind of person that, upon very rare occasion finds their own jokes funny) I thought that I might as well open up the killing floor to another pointlessly profane, subtly humorous and contentually bland blog entry.

Unlike my others (Which were, in a moment of stunning clarity, a vague attempt to break casually and nonchalantly into the world of games journalism (Lolnoufailkkthxbi)) this blog entry will, for want of a better subject, be about all the games that I've gotten into over the past...however many years it is since I last posted in this thing (I think it's actually only bee about 4 months, but what's an annum between friends, amirite? (Also, I know, I've gotten the word form wrong, how about "Fuckus offum, LatiniusFagorii" for you?))

Since that would be, save a few interesting moments, entirely shit, I've decided I'd let you in on my experiences in those games as well. Not that that will prove to be any more engaging, but it will, at least, fill up space.

To start off with, I guess I'll have to go with Shadowrun...

Shadowrun is, I'll not lie, a little bit poo. I've known this since the game came out (I say known, I've basically gone off the Chinese whispers of the internet, the angry nerd-rants of a thousand sweaty basement dwellers and a song from SarcasticGamer.); But, when my good friend and compadre decided that he would download the demo, and asked me to get it too so he'd have someone to play it with, I thought "What the hell, it's either that or hours of furious masturbation over countless attractive women that I'm never, ever going to have sex with." Luckily, I went with the former option, and ended up whining at my friend because we couldn't find a fucking game, and you needed to have 4 people in your party to start one up yourself.

A few hours, and a lot of swearing later, we'd managed to brow-beat enough people into downloading it to get a game started. (Only to have at least five people join the game...What's the fucking chance? Bastards.) And you know what? It was fun. Shadowrun(s demo...) is a fun, fun game. Having had a good few days of lulz on that, I thought I'd check out Play.com to see how much I could pick up a copy for. Managed to find a sweet Play&Trade for a fiver, and convincing the whole troupe of them, managed to rope all my friends into buying it too.

Cut to a few days later, my copy arrives and, with much anticipation I pop it into my Disk Drive and away I go. After a few hours, I came to this startling revelation;

Shadowrun is a massive, steaming pile of cow shit. Not only is Shadowrun a massive, steaming pile of cow shit; it is a disease infested, bacteria ridden cow shit that, when it comes into contact with any living being, destroys that being, breaks it down into its base elementary particles and absorbs it into itself, growing ever more powerful until it consumes the earth and everything in it.

That is how bad Shadowrun the game is, and that is why you should never buy it. Because if you do, you'll not only have wasted your money on a laggy, glitchy, shitty game; You'll also be broken down into your base elementary particles, and used to fuel the dominatory goals of a malign shit-entity hell bent on ending life as we know it.

After my brief and...Unfortunate foray into the world of Shadowrun, me and said previous enclave of close friends decided that we'd all play Guild Wars...

It didn't last.

Personally, I love Guild Wars. It's a FUCKING AMAZING game (Yes, caps and bold. I hope it didn't scare you, it was pretty loud.) It's in depth (...Sort of.) it has fast, technical, story driven gameplay, it looks good, it smells good, and it takes a certain skill that not very many mainstream MMO's need. The only reason I can see for my friends not liking it is that they're absolute cunts, who wouldn't know a good game if it came up to them and kneed them in the bollocks/punched them in the ovaries with the fist of an angry god. This being said, I'll hit you up with a few of the reasons that they gave me for their, quite frankly disgusting, dislike of Guild Wars.

It's too small. (What do you fucking mean too small? It's just the right size! The world is big enough to spend days exploring! There's three fucking continents for Christs sake!? You need a fucking Atlas and complicated navigatory tools to make your way around the entirety of the pathable areas! What're you, retarded or something?)

There's too little of everything; Health, Damage, Magic power. I'm not seeing big enough numbers here to hold my interest. (Well I'm sorry you have the mind of a fucking goldfish, pal. Tell you what, I'll give you twenty pounds to have some smacked-up Croatian hooker jerk your ePeen around for you, then you can come back and see if you enjoy the game a bit more.)

What the fuck? Why can you only use 8 skills at a time? That's shit... (It's called skill, you nipple-chewing wierdo. Guild Wars takes forethought, you need to pick the right set of skills for the right encounter, or all the monsters will (and I mean this quite literally) bend you over and fuck you roughly in the ass, without lube. You will literally bleed from the sphincter. Good luck working in Tescos the rest of your life, you small minded fuck.)

The gameplay isn't good enough, it's just button bashing... (It's an MMO you massive queer, they're all like that (Bar Final Fantasy XI, which, believe me, I'm going to dedicate an entire angry buttfuck of a rant to.) You want a button basher, go play fetch with the soulless shitbags who play Soul Calibur VI online, until their eyes bleed and the calcium deposits in their thumbs prevent all lateral movement.)

After Guild Wars, nothing of note really came up for a few months. We managed to scrape by on the rare game of Halo 3 or RS: Vegas 2. Then, one fateful day one of my mates brought up something that, for a few years now, has been a massive bone of contention between us all.

Final Fantasy XI.

Now, I don't like Final Fantasy. At all. I know that that'll bring on tirades of abuse from pretty much any gamer that's old enough to have played FF7, but you know what? The series isn't that good, get over yourself you JRPG loving dicktards. (And Square Enix are cunts.)

Now, ever the open minded gentleman that I am, I decided that, if all of my friends were going to reactivate their accounts and start playing again, I would get mine on the go again too and give it one last try.

It was a fucking waste of £7 I can tell you. I reactivated my account, and played a little bit until I got up to level 30. At this point in FF11 you begin to unlock the more interesting jobs, so I became a little more intrigued by the whole thing, getting my pick of a pretty hefty number fairly interesting jobs.

That was it. Once the novelty of being able to pick from such a wide and varied list of jobs wore off, I got fucking bored and stopped again; realising that, no matter what job I would be doing, I'd still just be grinding monsters hard to level. In fact, fuck that, not only would I be grinding monsters hard, I'd be grinding monsters hard with a group of fucking JP Obsessed, elitist fuckwits who ball out at you when you do something wrong, and made stupid ASCII faces at you when you do absolutely anything else.

After Final Fantasy, there was another big break from anything particularly exciting until Halo Wars came out.

I fucking Jizzed on Halo Wars. I literally opened up my sextacular special edition casing, pulled out the disk, and whacked off onto it.

I love that game, I've been looking for an RTS that actually works on a console for fucking years, and here we have it, one that's been designed from the ground up for we ham-fisted anger monsters who just buttraep console gaming. I, of course, do have but a few problems with the game.

All is fine and well when you get a good game where you can sit around for half an hour building up your army and shit before you all have a big massive fuck off battle in the middle and whoever makes it out on top gets a chance to march on the enemy base and take both spoils and plunder. But most of the time, you get Ritalin addicted 10 year olds and/or 30-Something Zerg rushing Starcrafties who lol hard and get a massive fucking erection from sending a Leader/500, 000 Warthogs to your base two minutes into the game...This does not make for funteims.

Another thing that's been fucking annoying me since it came out, is the Downloadable content that came out for Halo Wars. (This is strictly out of the timeline here, since the content came out this week.) I paid 800 MS points for that and do you know what I got? Three fucking game types. In fact, I got two game types and a pit where I imagine Ensemble intended to throw all the rabid rushing cuntfaces who live on Halo Wars. (It's almost as bad as the Fable 2 content, which admittedly did have content, but was considerably more shit.)

Most recently, and indeed lastly as an entry into this blog, we've all started playing World of Warcraft together (Like the massive faggots we are...) in a hope that we can actually find an MMO to play together that all of us like (Or at least none of us utterly despise.)

...I'll let you know how that goes....

Fuck yeah...Laptop!

2009-01-13T20:35:00.000Z

Honestly, I just like saying that I have a new laptop because it reminds me that I don't have to use that shitty shared piece of tat that I'd normally be using.

I'm not going to bore you with technical specifications, suffice to say: It's a Dell Studio 15 and it looks sexy. (It runs Team Fortress 2 on highest, so I'm perfectly happy with its specs)

I also want to apologise for the utter horribleness of the formatting of the other blog entries, I was having a bit of trouble with Blogspot and the HTML they allow you to use.

Anyway, this was just a short entry for me to shout about my sexy new lappy. Adios.

Double post at Kick Off!...Oh, and Storm of Zehir

2009-01-11T12:16:00.000Z

Ever since I got my hands on a copy of Neverwinter Nights, I've been a rabid (That's right, rabid) fan of the series on the whole. Lately, the franchise has died off (After Obsidian took over the development and switchbladed it in the kidneys) and become largely unpopular again. I only ever knew there was a second expansion pack for NwN2 out when I absentmindedly cast my eye over it on a jaunt out to my local GAME.

Storm of Zehir follows the trend of NwN2 Expansion packs by attempting to clean up the mess Obsidian made of the original game. This one adds a host of new features, and most importantly a ****ing decent camera view at last. (The "Exploration Camera" allows you not only to view your character from a relatively normal angle, but also lets you move with the traditional WASD keys; Obsidian, always pushing the envelope.)

The Overland Map - God only knows where this idea comes from, but I have to admit it's a hard one to class. On one hand, I ****ing hate the thing, because every 5 seconds a bastard monster pops up and I'm forced to fight it, flee it or pay it money to leave me alone (If you ever play this, make sure you put a ranger in your party and raise their survival skill as high as it goes. Otherwise you'll be forced to struggle through the jungle as if you were in an electric wheelchair with low batteries (Hide and Move Silently are a godsend as well)). On the other hand, it's a nice break to play a game that makes you walk about a bit without making you blindly stop every three paces for a JRPG style random encounter, a personal hate of mine by the by.
The Overland Map is a bit of an unnecessary addition to the game, personally I never felt fast-travel detracted from the story any and I can't deny that the loading times really bother me (My PC is about 4-5 years old mind you) considering you have to sit there while it loads all 47 map areas every time you leave one of the embarrassingly small towns

(Sorry, couldn't find anything to represent in-game trade. So have a nice covered wagon!)

The Trade Function - I have to admit, this interested me a bit when I first started playing because I'm a bit of an economic weirdo like that. In the game, you work for a large merchant company trying to set themselves up on the Sword Coast, so naturally you end up doing all the work and getting virtually none of the reward; this involves doing their trading for them as well. Trading revolves largely around the "Trade Bar" currency (Which is a fancy way of Obsidian stopping people using the "dm_givegold 999999999" cheat to win the game.) which you use to purchase useless resources/goods, and set up trading outposts.
It's a bit of a moot element to the game because you can complete the central story with only a little trading and there's barely any excitement in it, even to enterprising virtual-trade tycoons like myself. The only good thing about it is it continues after the main story has finished, allowing you to head back and finish all those niggly little side-quests before you retire from adventuring forever.

The Pros
Classic Neverwinter Nights storyline
Good length to the main plot
Nifty (If entirely useless) trading abilities
Back in the Sword Coast

The Cons
Horribly unnecessary new Races/Classes
Exceptionally tedious Overland Map thing
Pointless trading to advance main storyline makes you want to sucker-punch your monitor

Not really worth it, in my opinion, unless you're a die hard fan of the series. I burned through the main story (And a fair number of side quests) in a couple of 8 hour sessions and I doubt I'll touch the game again, at least not for a long time anyway. It makes me sad to say that it's probably not worth the £20 I paid for it.

My first post...! And also Prince of Persia...

2009-01-11T09:59:00.000Z

Wow, my first post on my own (free, unendorsed, unassociated, empty...) games blog. It's an honour, really. (/drywit)

Anyway, considering that this is to be my first foray into the world of games journalism, it would probably be best to throw in at least some cursory reference to a game, right?

Well you're in luck. Even though this is my first post, I'm going to start work early tell you all what I think about the latest installment into the Prince of Persia series.

Prince of Persia (Or, as it's known in Persia "Prince of You") has never really been a particular favorite of mine, call me biased if you will but I rather think it owes me something for all the hours I spent falling off things in and then shooting back up in slow mo to start the whole thing again in Sands of Time, so this new one had a lot to do to get me on its side. I have to say, yeah, that I was pleasantly surprised.

The Art - As you can see, our friend the prince has undergone somewhat of a makeover since the last games, and so indeed has the prince’s home. One of the things that critics have been praising P.o.P. for is its totally unique "Just drawn right now, right this minute thank you very much" art style. As its technical name would suggest, the entire game looks like it’s just been finished in time to bypass the "Anybody looking at it" phase to appear as-is on your screen. In most games this would be hailed as a massively epic fail, and as such the game would be resigned to bargain bins for the rest of its life, but seeing as Prince intended to do it, it's all alright.
The game looks, for want of a better word, modern. Despite the fact that it's set god knows when in some loosely mythical incarnation of ancient Persia, it looks like it could just be today, out in a Desert somewhere, (Admittedly) in a loosely mythical incarnation of ancient Persia.

The Combat - As it was with the original Prince of Persia, so it is with the latest. Yes, with the most modern Prince, we've gone back to the One-on-One style of fighting (Albeit this time in glorious 3D!). As I said, not particularly hip to the Princes previous incarnation after Sands, but if I remember correctly they were group fighting based. Anyway, that doesn’t really matter because we're talking about the latest boyo (I really wish the game had a name beyond "Prince of Persia" because it's becoming really tiring typing the entire thing out every time I reference it.)
Fighting in P.o.P. is interesting. It's not...good, at least not if you like excitement in your games but it's not bad, either. The fact that it's 1v1 battles removes a lot of the interest for me, I'm of the ilk who likes to be pressed from all sides if you know what I mean...(By enemies, in battle, you dirty-minded mare.) P.o.P. uses a fairly intricate combo system in its fighting. You have 4 different kinds of maneuvers; you have Sword attacks, Ariel attacks, Gauntlet attacks and Elikas magic attacks. You can combine these four into a seemingly endless succession of combat moves (Although if you want to chain more than about 5 hits, I suggest spamming sword attacks.) There’s even an achievement for stringing together a 14-hit combo. Needless to say, I haven’t got it.

The World - What can I say? I've saved the best till last for you. The prince’s world is nothing short of stunning. By far the most interesting part of the games (Thankfully, for a platformer) is how the prince navigates the destroyed buildings and corruption infested recesses of (A fairly small section of) Persia. As has been a staple of P.o.P.s, the prince can wall run, wall jump, slide, leap and finish it all off with a triple Sow-Cow into a perfect landing. With the addition of the Gauntlet to the prince’s arsenal, he can now slip-slide down any surface he can grab onto, as well as crawl along ceilings along with a variety of other, more traditionally ridiculous moves.
The movement in P.o.P. flows pretty perfectly (Although, for those of you of a nervous/twitchy disposition, you will often hit the button too early and be forced to die or save yourself with a well placed "Super-Duper-Elika-Magic-Uberleap".) and, despite being pretty much exactly the same throughout most of the game, is almost always fun.

The Pros

The beautiful artwork.
The expansive and detailed landscape.
The exploration driven gameplay.

The Cons

The monotonous combat.
The lack of any challenge in the game whatsoever.
Elika, in general.

When it all boils down to it, the game is definately worth a buy. I got mine from Play.com for a measly £17.99, and at that price, if you pass up the oppertunity you deserve to be thrown down a gulch into a pool of conspicuously mobile black goo.

Buy me!