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It’s rare these days, that we here at Flawless Headquarters (read: Me, my Dog and my crippling loneliness) take a break from our constant protests against Activision long enough to seriously talk about video games. And today is no only slightly different! Read on for an action packed adventure with Dinosaurs, intense laser battles and inter-galactic alien babes who come to earth to teach human men how to love.

“…Well I’m sorry, lusty human male, but clearly you expected wrong. Didn’t you?”

The wind whistled obscenely through the rickety, mullioned windows of the classically-styled Flawless Headquarters. “Condemned,” the city zoning commission had said “Full of asbestos, woodworm, dry rot and vampires” Well we showed them. Hah! Woodworm! Lying bastards…

The door slammed open, its warped wooden woodiness walloping the wicker wall with willing wanker-ly-ness... (There’s a reason people don’t let me alliterate.) Amidst the stormy snow drift that blew in through the stygian abyss of that open portal, I spied a familiar, hulking form.

It was Kirk Manly…

…Bastard child of Gary Busey and a Malaysian prostitute, Kirk had a face like a shoe and a temper like a bottle of Tabasco sauce filled with angry spider monkeys and shame. So probably quite bad.

This picture needs no caption. It’s already hilarious.

He sidled through the room, and threw his latest report down on the coffee table in front of me. (Read: he threw his latest report on top of the stack of month old, occasionally empty pizza boxes I use to prop up my increasingly dead looking feet while eating Funyuns and watching The Apprentice)

“What the hell is this, Manly?” I fumed with completely unfounded editorial anger

“It’s my latest goddamn masterpiece,” he said, punching me in my dirty whore mouth and turning to leave “Oh, and keep the change, you school-yard bitch.”

I decided it was best not to point out that his last sentence didn’t really make any sense, unless he’d included some blank pages at the end of his ‘latest masterpiece’ and wanted me to have some free paper…which I guess is kind of nice, although it’s totally not worth a shot in the chops.

I leafed through the casually stylish, contemporary, and well written article with the bitter taste of a Tabasco-y shame and jealousy tea party in my mouth.

“Dinosaurs, Intense Laser Battles and Inter-Galactic Alien Babes Who Come to Earth to Teach Human Men How to Love” it was called. Ironic, isn’t it? I thought to myself, as I contemplated navigating my way to Manly’s house in the middle of the night and burning it to the ground with him still inside. I created Manly. Not in any real or chemical sense: I put the blame for that squarely on Busey’s wanton disregard for human decency. But rather in an ideological sense…or something…I don’t know. I’m angry at him for being better than me. That’s all.

Kirk Manly: Artist’s impression

Once it’s gone through the usual editorial obstacle course (read: once I make it up) Kirk Manly’s “Dinosaurs, Intense Laser Battles and Inter-Galactic Alien Babes Who Come to Earth to Teach Human Men How to Love” will champion Flawless Victory into a new year of being entirely mediocre.

If even that...