Peter Davis on Call of Duty: Black Ops

I thought it would be a cold day in Hell before I’d get a chance to meet anyone at Activision ever again, thanks to a disastrous last interview during which I nearly got shot by a man who’d just snorted at least fourteen pounds of cocaine. But it would appear that [insert witty reference to the phrase “Cold day in Hell” here] because, a few weeks ago, I got an email from Satan himself, Bobby Kotick. The email, shown below, informed me that Peter Davis, the well know Head of Disappointing Games and Flipping the Bird at Activision, would like to have me back to discuss Call of Duty: Black Ops.

“Dear Faggot,

My name is Bobby Kotick, and I hate you.

However, my Press peons tell me that it makes me look good if I give the little guy a chance, and my lawyers say I’m not allowed to kill them for suggesting something so pathetically retarded.

Therefore, I hereby offer you a chance to come over to Activision Headquarters in Hell California Hell, and interview our newly promoted Head of Disappointing Games, Flipping the Bird and Dealing with Faggot Independent Internet Journalists with regards to the up and coming Call of Duty: Black Ops game.

Contact my FuckSlut Secretary to arrange further details.

Go fuck yourself,

Bobby Kotick”

Well guess what I did:

I contacted her.

It turned out that she was very nice, and she only swore at me once as we tried to arrange a time for me to fly over from this saintly green islet I call home and into the very bowels of Satans bowels.

The flight to California was mostly uneventful. There was a small hijacking incident when a very stereotypical Muslim extremist announced that he was taking over the plane in the name of Albert. Thankfully, Robert Brockway was there, and was able to incapacitate him in a manner of seconds using some ancient martial techniques passed down through the Brockway clan for generations. I asked him afterwards if he’d teach me, but he told me that if I didn’t get away from him this very instant, he’d kill me nine different ways before breakfast.

“Albert-salamu alaykum.”

I arrived at Activision Headquarters at around midday. I was promptly escorted from the premises and beaten severely by three burly Man-Beasts. With hindsight, running in screaming “Bobby Kotick is a DICK!” was inadvisable; but sacrifices must be made in the name of gaming.

Eventually, I convinced the guardian Ogres to let me back into the building, explaining that my name was on the appointments list and I wasn’t some tramp off the street whose only mission in life was to bleed on their carpet.

The inside of the building was spacious and futuristic, everything was chrome and marble and there was a bowl of cocaine on every table. It was very much the pinnacle of urban-executive chic.

A downtrodden looking intern guided me to my meeting room; it was empty, so I sat down to wait for Peter. Three hours later, he kicked open the door, wide eyed and furious looking.

Peter: “Alright you cunt, the cameras are off and you get one shot at this before I cut your face like a month old Jaffa Cake.”

FV: “No dice, Davis. I met Robert Brockway on my way here, and he taught me a secret ancient technique that’ll paralyze you instantly then make you shit out your eyeballs through your dick.”

Peter: “Oh titfuck, not Brockway.”

FV: “That’s right. Now who’s the cunt, cunt!?”

Peter: “Fine. So’re you going to ask me some questions, or did you just come here to stare at my package like your mom does every Friday and Sunday at three?”

FV: “Alright: in the recent video released by Treyarch of the new Call of Dutys multiplayer, we saw a few unusual items. Do you not think that gimmicks like killstreak rewards are part of why Modern Warfare Two was so poorly received?”

Peter: “Poorly received? Are you high, bitch? Because I am. High as fuck. And even I’m not trippin’ balls like you. Modern Warfare Two is one of the most successful games of all time. OF ALL TIME.

“You’d have to be a dipshit like you not to understand that gimmicks are what true gamers want. Fuck gameplay and weapon balance. Remote control cars with bombs strapped to them; that’s the real deal.”

FV: “Ok. You mentioned weapon balance there. That’s been a pretty contentious issue within the Call of Duty community. The balance in Modern Warfare Two was abysmal: what’re you doing to correct that in Black Ops.”

Peter: “Nothing. We’re doing fuck all. In fact, we’ve made it worse. There’s one gun, it’s called the Bobby Kotick, and it doesn’t just kill you. It steals everything you own, breaks up your family, dissolves your production team, cripples you financially AND physically kicks you in the balls….Oh, and it has instant headshots.”

FV: “Right. Well, recently there’s been a massive upsurge in the amount of modders and hackers appearing during Modern Warfare Two games. Will there be any further protection implemented by Activision to combat this? What will be done with Black Ops to try and make it Hacker proof?”

Peter: “Hackers and Modders? What are you on, you witless piece of shit. There’s no Hackers and Modders on Modern Warfare. Anyone who says there are is just shit at the game. And even if there were hacks available, Activision aren’t about to spend literally tens of dollars employing someone to make a patch that’d clear it up.”

FV: “Ok then…Is there anything further you’d like to add? Maybe any little unreleased tid-bits about Black Ops you’d like to tell me, exclusively?”

Peter: “No.”

FV: “Oh…”

Peter: “Now kiss me, you sexy fucker.”

FV: “What? No, I don’t think th-…”

What happened next? I…don’t really want to go into it…

“HE SAID HE’D CALL!”