David Caruso is a Loser...

Thanks to our last article which, my legal council has advised me to state, was largely speculative and entirely fictitious; we here at Flawless Victory have had literally one response from our army of dedicated fans all over the world.

Through careful and expensive market analysis undertaken by the amorphous, gelatinous monster that lives behind the bog here at Flawless’ Headquarters, we’ve come to the conclusion that our next post shall be…:

What if classic video games were gritty and realistic? Like CSI. (Not Miami though, it sucks sweaty cheese nips)

PAC-MAN

That cute little yellow pie-chart has been an icon of the gaming industry for years; but what would happen if we superimposed today’s trend of super-realism over that chompy arcade façade?

“PAC-MAN: Fear Begins” would probably focus on a jaundiced, overweight, forty-something IT professional living in a cramped flat above a sweaty Deli.

“One day, Mr Pack Mann decides that he’s had enough of his life, and he wants to end it all: so he grabs a bottle of aspirin, throws back a fistful of the tiny white pills, sits down and waits calmly for oblivion.

The blackness takes him; down he falls, deeper into the stygian abyss of his own rotten mind until eventually; peaceful clarity. He’s in a maze, the walls high and dark, the floor littered with a trail of the same white spheroids that brought him here. He is at peace; the cool air of the maze ripples gently over his pallid, jaundiced skin as he lingers idly, avoiding the penetrating presence of the small, pale orbs…

Alas, his peace is broken by a shrill cry from beyond the walled maze: “WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA!” he hears, shunted out of his trance as goose pimples of fear sprout on his bare, yellowing arms. With a terrible howl, a great red beast rounds the nearest corner; its massive, slavering maw opens and closes in anticipation as Pack stumbles away in terror.

He retreats into the blackness of the maze, his pursuer hot on his tail, scooping up fistfuls of pills in a vein attempt to escape this new, fresh hell. As he rounds a corner, he sees light in the distance; a great glowing ball of angelic white, shining proudly through the all consuming blackness of his prison. He runs towards it, the creature and its brothers closing in around him, ready to end his nightmare forever…

…weeweeweeweew.”

Even the sweet release of death didn’t put Pack out of his considerable misery; he had another guy…

The sequel, of course, would be the haunted, disturbed Pack Manns heroic return to the Dark-Maze to avenge the death of his only love, Mrs Pack Mann, at the hands of the evil coven of diabolical monsters.

DIG DUG: The Descent

“Alright: Lunchbox? Check. Hard Hat? Check. Pump for inflating giant underground Dragons? Check.”

“The hard bitten, mean talking, tough skinned diamond in the rough with a heart of gold Doug “Digg” McTavish pulls up to the mine entrance for a brand new day of work down t’pit; but little does he know, once he’s down there...he may never come up.

He wanders through the eerie, lamp lit tunnels; the darkness creeping in at the edge of his vision, those rare spots where the lamps light seemed to be absorbed by a deep, eldritch blackness, standing out like terrible beacons of the damned. Something moves ahead of him; the tell-tale rustle of boots on dirt tugging at his mind.

“’ello,” he calls out “s’at you Jim?” his voice, deep and gruff, is drowned out by a sudden rumble; a tremor from the very core of the earth itself. From overhead, he hears a great crack as a stone dislodges itself from the roof and hurtles towards him. He dives out of the way just in time, the rock pounding into the dirt where he had just stood, moments ago. The mines dust collects around him in a vile, choking miasma, forcing him to cough and splutter as the thick air clogs in his lungs.

Over the sound of his own breathless hacking, he hears once more the shuffle of boots, but louder this time; closer. He spins on the spot and catches his first glimpse of the beast: Its red skin drawn over knots of powerful looking muscles, it wears tattered rags that once belonged to a miners jumpsuit. Its mouth snaps open and closed, as if chewing on some invisible meal, saliva dripping down over its chin and onto the dirt. Its eyes, angry and menacing, are covered by a large, yellow framed pair of hazard goggles.

Doug stands immobilized by terror; the creature shimmies towards him slowly, its feet dragging through the dust, its eyes locked on him blazing with fury and something else…hunger, perhaps; a terrible, insatiable hunger that devoured it from the inside out, hollowing out all that was once human and filling it with a terrible lust for flesh…

It issues an unintelligible groan which forces Doug to act; he glances around for something to use as a weapon and sees nothing: nothing but one of the old, battered fire extinguishers sitting unused in a corner of the tunnel.

He grabs it by the nozzle, hefting it up and charging towards the creature, swinging the long metal cylinder at its head. He listens as it connects with a sickening crunch; the creature falls to the floor, and Doug resumes his attack, crushing the things head under the force of his massive blows. With a cry of rage and fear, Doug delivers one final, tremendous strike that cleaves the creatures head in half, spilling its brain in the, foul bloody dust.

Doug looks down on his work and feels the contents of his stomach heave; even with no face, its head nothing more than a bloodied pulp, still the thing survives. It crawls towards him, its fingers clawing at the dirt, reaching out for something to grab, to crush in its evil grasp. Desperate, Doug does the only thing he can; he takes the nozzle of the fire extinguisher and jams it down hard into the back of the prone beast. Pressing hard on the release, he watches as the corpse fills with Carbon Dioxide, its flesh bubbling and expanding as the gas ripples beneath the inhuman folds until eventually, the taut skin can take no more, and the thing explodes; wet chunks of viscera fly through a thin red mist…”

Christ.

Who knew Dig Dug was so brutal..? Who else wants to make that into next years big summer blockbuster? I’m serious, totally calling Warner Brothers right now. I’m thinking maybe Christian Bale as Doug? Oh hell, I forgot. It can’t be him, sorry; me and Christian Bale are done professionally…


Well; that’s about all from us at Flawless for this post. Until next time! (Whenever that may be…)