53 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Cheese...

And now for a short extract from the up and coming literary work "162 Different Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Cheese..." by Dave Wilson, published by Random House (ISBN: 1956812767729) and Illustrated by Adam Bevan.

1. Cheese is made of Bunny Rabbit fur and industrial runoff.
2. Cheese contains 100% of your daily recommended intake of Cheese.
3. The first Cheese in space was a Limbaugh Red; it is reported to have said nothing, because it is a cheese.
4. In China, Cheese is called Lai Po Wan, and is only eaten on the 32^nd day of every month.
5. It is reported that Richard Nixons left ear was made of Cheese, after he lost the original in a fight with Gerald Ford over the price of a bagel.
6. The Mona Lisa is painted in varying shades of cheese; da Vinci was a douchebag.
7. The Peruvian Cheese Monkey is the only animal in the world to live exclusively off cheese; apart form Jerry the Mouse.
8. The movie Jaws, directed by Stephen Spielberg, ran into funding trouble when attempting to build their animatronic shark; resultantly, two thirds of the creature was constructed of Cheese.
9. Peter Molyneux is made of Cheese; this is why he promises so much, but delivers so little.
10. In the lost book of the Bible “Omnominominy” Jesus reports that his favourite food is cheese and that he likes it on crackers, with a pickle.
11. The Cheeseburger is often mistaken for a beef patty with a slice of cheese on top; where in reality, it is in fact a cheese patty, with a slice of beef on top. This is the case for all cheese burgers.
12. The Moon is not made of Cheese, rather it is made of Cheeses lesser brother: Yoghurt.
13. Cheese is like Viagra to Whales.
14. Pac Man was a wheel of Cheese.
15. Cheese will sleep most anywhere; any table, any chair…
16. …on top of piano, window ledge; in the middle, on the edge.
17. Hitler briefly held aspirations of combining his two hobbies: Campanology, and Cheese making. Unfortunately, people refused to invest in “Adolf Hitlers Dong Cheese”.
18. If a Cheese falls down a Well on the third Sunday of a month, nothing particularly special or interesting happens.
19. If a Cheese falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, it makes a noise. That noise is: “Flop.”
20. In Yorkshire, it is common to dunk slices of Cheese in Tea. Yorkshire is weird.
21. Dinosaurs fuckin’ love Cheese.
22. Scorpions, while not fans of Cheese, have been known to take the odd cube if they’re feeling a bit iffy.
23. Cheese is the world’s most cost effective building material. This is why the Eiffel Tower is made of Cheese (and Ant goo).
24. Lemons are Cheese in disguise.
25. In Indonesia, Cheese is regarded as a minor deity and small animals, children and Lego bricks are often sacrificed in its name.
26. Japanese legends tell of an ancient monster that once terrorised the city of Tokyo. This monster was not Cheese related; it was Godzilla. I just like Godzilla.
27. It is a well kept secret, that the only way to keep space aliens from entering into your mind and stealing all your PIN codes is to wear a helmet made of Cheese. Tinfoil is for nerds.
28. The core of the earth is made of Molten Cheese.
29. The league of Cheese often foils nefarious plots to take over the world; their arch nemesis is the Lord of all Evil: Commander Marmite.
30. The Bermuda Triangle is actually a giant wedge of Dairylea.
31. All life on earth evolved from Cheese. Darwin said so, and he’s on money, so you know it’s true.
32. John Lennon ate Cheese once; he attributed all of the Beatles success to that one time he ate Cheese.
33. There are literally thousands of uses for Cheese; most of them are eating.
34. The Apple iPad is made out of Cheese and twine.
35. Cheese sometimes edits its own Wikipedia page.
36. Cheese got with your moms.
37. Queen made an entire album about Cheese, but felt it was too risqué to release.
38. Cheese destroys at Beer Pong.
39. Every time you eat Cheese, you penis grows in size by three inches.
40. Cheese once saved the world from an evil Dragon named Gobbleobbleoxx.
41. Cheese is the worlds sexiest Super Spy.
42. Cheese is the guy who won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about.
43. Cheese grows.
44. Twilight Vampires are terrified of cheese.
45. Cheese wrote Dantés Inferno, but gave the manuscript to Danté because it thought ‘Cheeses Inferno’ sounded stupid.
46. The Hubble Telescope is made of Cheese.
47. Richard Nixon, mentioned earlier, built a robotic exoskeleton out of cheese and rubber bands; it was destroyed by Godzilla in 1684.
48. Cheese and Garlic Bread are soul mates.
49. No matter who you are, you’re cool with Cheese.
50. Cheese listens to bands whose members haven’t even been conceived yet.
51. The Cheeseasaurus Rex was the mightiest Dinosaur of its age, and still survives today in the tallest of mountains and the deepest of oceans.
52. Cheesecake is not made of Cheese; but it is made of Cake.
53. This list is made of Cheese.