What’s next…

…From Activision:

Call of Duty: Civil Warfare

“So, on the cover, we’re going to have this picture that looks as if these two dudes are totally about to French it up; for the queers.”

Have you ever wanted to go back to a simpler time, when the men were men and smallpox was crippling and incurable? Well you’re in for a treat, thanks to the firecracker partnership between Activision and Treyarch.

That’s right: Just when you thought it was time for the Call of Duty franchise to put on its slippers, kick back in its armchair and wait patiently for death; BAM! Another genre defining instalment of, what jealous critics and roguishly handsome satirical internet bloggists often call “one of the most tired, imbalanced and evil franchises in gaming today.”

We here at Flawless Victory, using various methods of snooping around and tactical hiding behind bins, secured an interview with Peter Davis; Head of Disappointing Games and Flipping the Bird at Activision HQ.

It went a little something like this:

Dave: “Hey there Peter, I was wondering if I could talk to you about the future of the Call of Duty Franchise, now that your company dissolved Infinity Ward and handed the reigns of the series over to Treyarch?”

Peter: “Fuck off, peasant.”

Dave: “No, but seriously; we’ve all heard rumours about the future of Call of Duty, and I’m wondering if you could jus-“

Peter: “I said fuck off!”

At this point, the interview ended because Peter pulled out a gun and started waving it around; before calling me a dirty beaner and telling me he was going to shoot my wife with a harpoon gun.

After several lengthy and expensive therapy sessions, I managed to secure a press release from Activision; hoping it would detail some elements from the upcoming Civil Warfare game.

It read;

Dear Shitbirds,

We know you want to hear something about the next Call of Duty; but here at Activision, we’re all too busy fuckin’ bitches, being billionaires and doing all the drugs in the world to give a shit.

Suck my dick,

Activision

From this, we at Flawless have deduced that the game will go something like this:

You’ll play as a Confederate soldier during the American Civil War, fighting the evil Unionists who want to take away your right to brutally beat black people until they make you a cheese and ham omelette. The multi-player will be as popular as ever; despite the fact that it takes you three hours to reload your weapon and players will randomly die of Cholera throughout the battle.

We assume, thanks to past titles attempts at modern cultural sensitivity, that there will also be content based on the English Civil War; where the player will control Roundhead SAS Captain James ‘Hand Sanitizer’ Williams whilst he goes on covert missions to assassinate King Charles I and his devilish Royalist supporters.

“Have at you, rogue!”

Others have suggested that the game might take another path, for example:

Call of Duty: Guerrilla Warfare

Call of Duty: World War II but in Space

Call of Duty: LOST

Call of Duty: Vietnam (but the Americans Win)

Call of Duty: Shit Sandwich