It's been long as ass since I last posted something that was even mildly amusing; and so in a return to my angry, sweary roots I present you with a style that I totally didn't steal from Cracked.com (who aren't so much better than me at this that it hurts) and a shiny new post that has almost shit all squared to do with gaming:
[If the Links/Spacing/Pictures in this post don't work, I swear, I'm going to find whoever operates this site and personally piss on his vegetables]
#5 – Popped Collars
“Broseph?”
What are they?
Popped Collars are the Guido equivalent of the eponymous dinosaur neck frill that was used to scare the living shit out of Dennis; the guy who broke the entire of
Why do people think this shit is cool?
According to fashion scientists, the act of engorging the neck area by lifting or ‘popping’ ones collar actually quantifiably increases the sexual potency of the wearer by at least 42.5%. This, when coupled with standing in public spaces drinking cider (which, for those of you who don’t know, is pretty much all the English do these days) makes for an irresistible combination.
In the real world, it’s pretty impossible to say why anyone would think that popping their collar isn’t just a simpler and less time consuming way of writing ‘I’m a great big cunt’ on their forehead in glittery red pen, but if we employ some basic science then we can come up with a reasonable (albeit totally fucking stupid) possibility:
Firstly, you take the basic male understanding that women are attracted to bright, shiny colours (a theory I’m too busy attending sexual harassment seminars to investigate) and then you combine it with the principal of ‘Surface Areas’ ergo:
The greater the surface area of your yellow pastel polo-shirt = The larger the sea of vagina you have to wade through to get home.
Why this shit needs to stop:
Because if it doesn’t, you’re going to end up looking like this spastic.
#4 – Crocs
Can you say: Hulk Feet?
What are they?
Understand, that when I say Crocs I do not mean the badass, tear you to shreds; pull-you-inside-out-through-your-own-sphincter-and-then-make-you-shit-yourself-back-out-again fucking dinosaurs; who have somehow managed to avoid extinction by simultaneously being one of the most ferocious predators on the entire planet and also looking kind of like logs.
Rather, I mean the stupid fucking shoe/sandal things that are worn day-in day-out by rabid, foaming at the mouth aged hippies and women who just don’t give a fuck anymore.
Why do people think this shit is cool?
They don’t.
No one thinks Crocs are cool, because thankfully the world has yet to descend to the level of Rosie O’Donnell (except for Rosie O’Donnell, who probably thinks Crocs are the shit).
However, people simply choose to ignore this fact because apparently, Crocs are ‘comfortable’.
And you know what? I have to agree. In fact, the only thing I enjoy more than wearing my Crocs, is having a flamboyantly dressed, overtly homosexual transvestite shove a pencil down my dick whilst reciting, in vivid detail, every single failure from my entire life.
Why this shit needs to stop:
Because in ten years time, I don’t want to be forcing my kids into a pair of shiny green guppies made out of radioactive run-off and Josef Mengeles bath-water.
#3 – Miley Cyrus
Little Miss Sexy herself.
What is she?
Human? Alien? Time travelling robot sent back from the year 3046 to take over the world using an army of slavish, mindless tweens? No one will ever know (but I like to think it’s the last one).
Miley Cyrus, (just in case you’re dead, and haven’t heard the news yet) is the sassy little madam who’s taken the world by storm with her combination of endearing and lovable characters and up-beat, high-tempo pop songs; the fact that she gives every guy from the age of fourteen up a raging hard-on is also probably quite a large factor as well. Daughter of well known country and western singer Billy Ray Cyrus, who had such hits as Achy-Breaky Heart and Probably Something Else as Well, Miley has virtually taken over the entire fucking world with the help of the Disney Channel and her tits.
Why do people think this shit is cool?
I’m not entirely sure, but I think it’s largely to do with small children all over the world clinging on to the archaic notion that being an American is actually a good thing.
I’ve never seen the Hannah Montana show, and am not willing to pay the exorbitant medical fees I would rack up having my eyeballs replaced after I jab them out with a hastily acquired laptop space-bar after sitting through half an hour of American Teenage Neo-Propaganda (which I’m almost entirely certain it is). Thusly, I’m forced to draw my reasons as to why people find this heinous reeking pile of effluence even remotely bearable entirely from her musical career.
I own a Miley Cyrus song; (for the purposes of simplicity, I’m redefining ‘own’ as ‘have downloaded entirely not illegally for the purposes of writing this article’) it’s shit.
Why people enjoy this tasteless bitch is beyond me.
Why this shit needs to stop:
Because as much as I would love to have rough sex with/give sagely advice to (pick one based on the age of consent in your particular locality) her, I feel it would be too cruel to use her music as a torture method on the man who gave my puppy cancer and anally violated a red panda with a zucchini.
#2 – Gerard Butler
Ladies and Gentlemen: The King of being Typecast!
What is he?
Gerard Butler is an actor; and I use the word actor in its loosest sense, considering he’s not so much an actor as a giant, partially-directable slab of meat; kind of like a human sized Scotch egg.
He’s the star of such classics as 300: Where a surprisingly Scottish-sounding Warrior from the ancient Grecian city-state of
Why do people think this shit is cool?
Because people are, as has been proven successfully many times in the past, inherently stupid; and will apparently never get tired of watching large men punch smaller men repeatedly in the face, until all that remains of their heads is the shards of bone that Gerard Butler has to pick out of his bloodied knuckles with his teeth.
Not only is this in itself astounding, but when you couple it with the fact that Butler himself tried to sabotage his own career by doing a stereotypically shitty rom-com with Katherine Heigl wherein he portrays a chauvinistic bastard and she a stuck up bitch and in the end they fuck because, let’s face it, that’s where all rom-coms are going; it becomes clear that we should not fucking like Gerard Butler at all.
Why this shit needs to stop:
It doesn’t; but only because I don’t want Gerard Butler to come to my house beat me to death with my own smug pretentiousness.
#1 – The Nintendo Wii
Fuck off, Wii.
What is it?
The only console in the world that can turn everyone who plays it into a completely mindless, flailing moron; the Wii carved itself out a devastatingly large corner of the market by being a platform from which incredibly shit games designers can launch their god-awful fitness programs.
Why do people think this shit is cool?
It’s literally impossible to tell; apart from the die-hard group of useless, shit-brained; wheat germ eating plimsolls, I can’t honestly imagine anyone else buying any of the massive back-logged libraries of pointless jism that make up this consoles game base.
People think the Wii is cool for the same reason they think Apple products are cool; they’re popular, inferior and white. There seems to be some sort of endemic disease that causes rational human beings to throw money at you in great waves when you combine those three key attributes; we call it ‘Steve Jobs-itis’.
Why this shit needs to stop:
Because, unsurprisingly, I like being a fat waste of space; and if this trend of calorie defying, pro-movement gaming continues, I’m going to have to seriously rethink how I spend a large portion of my free time.
I just laughed so hard I think I've shit myself!
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