What if...?

If you could believe it: Yes, they are as boring as they look.

...games had never developed beyond Roguelikes?

You may not be old enough or nerdy enough to remember what games were like before the invention of the User-Friendly GUI, but I am. It was not nice.

Roguelikes (their name taken from the popular game 'Rogue' which was the pioneer of the genre) were often fantasy RPGs that involved a simple set of text based commands that ammounted to, essentially, a digital 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book. Only without the Do-over ability of quickly flicking back to the decision page if you die.

So what would games today be like, if we'd never gotten past this...?

(Be warned, this is EXTREMELY text heavy, so it's probably tl;dr)


~ WELCOME TO CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2 ROGUELIKE EDITION ~

You are sitting in a lobby, the current game mode is Sabotage, the current map is Karachi. In your lobby, there is seven people. A player named 'xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx' is yelling 'NIGGER' repeatedly down his microphone. There is thirty seconds left until the game begins. What do you do? >>
> Ignore xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx
You have chosen to Ignore xX MLG n99bsl4y3r Xx. xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx stops yelling 'NIGGER' down his microphone, and begins to insult your mother. There is twenty-five seconds left until the game begins. What do you do? >>
> Insult xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx back
You have chosen to Insult xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx back. xX MLG n00bsl4y3r Xx calls on his companions xX MLG 0wn4g3 Xx and xX MLG b00mh34dsh0t Xx to call your mother a nigger, as loud as they possibly can, over and over again. There is eighteen seconds left until the game begins. What do you do? >>
> Quit
You try to Quit, but are eaten by a Grue.
Game Over


~ WELCOME TO WORLD OF WARCRAFT ROGUELIKE EDITION ~

You are in a TOWN. In this TOWN, there are many people with large yellow exclamation marks above their heads. The nearest one of these people is named KATIE POINTLESSFANTASYSURNAME. What do you do? >>
> Approach Katie Pointlessfantasysurname
You Approach KATIE POINTLESSFANTASYSURNAME.
"Excuse me, brave adventurer," she says "I have a quest for you, if you wish to accept it?" (Y/N) >>
> Y
You accept her quest.
"I am baking a pie for the mayor of this TOWN, and I wish to get some delicious ingredients to put in it." she points WEST "If you go WEST away from the town, you will find a cave filled with ravenous grizzly bears. If you journey to the cave, and bring me back eight pieces of BEAR MEAT, I will happily give you a SLICE OF PIE and five cups of PURE WATER." What do you do? >>
> Go west to cave
'Go west to cave' not recognised >>
> Go west
'Go west' not recognised >>
> West
'West' not recognised >>
> I fucking hate you
'I fucking hate you' not recognised >>
> Turn west
You Turn WEST.
In the distance, you see a cave. There are several large shapes milling around the shadowed entrance. What do you do? >>
>Travel west
You Travel WEST.
Once at the cave, you see it is populated by large angry bears. What do you do?
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Attack bear
You attack a bear.
It is a difficult fight, but you manage to overcome your foe. You collect from its corpse on piece of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Inventory
You look in your inventory.
In your inventory, you find a SMALL SWORD, a BATTERED SHIELD and eight pieces of BEAR MEAT. What do you do? >>
>Turn east
You Turn EAST.
You see in the distance the small TOWN, its buildings standing out clearly in the pale dawn light. What do you do?
>Travel east
You Travel EAST.
You are in a TOWN. In this TOWN, there are many people with large yellow exclamation marks above their heads. The nearest one of these people is named KATIE POINTLESSFANTASYSURNAME. What do you do? >>
>Approach Katie Pointlessfantasysurname
You approach Katie Pointlessfantasysurname.
"I see you have eight pieces of BEAR MEAT." she says "Thank you so much for completing my quest, here is your one slice of PIE and your five cups of PURE WATER. Would you like to help me with another quest?" (Y/N) >>
>Y
"Because the mayor of the TOWN is so hungry, I must bake him another pie," she says "This time, I need you to once more head EAST and bring me back eight slices of BEAR MEAT from slightly more difficult to kill bears." What do you do? >>
>This is bullshit
You are eaten by a Grue.
Game Over >>