Hands off my Sister!! - BioShocking revelations from a Cold Hearted bastard

Hello hello, my faithful and ever patient readers; Sorry it's taken me so long to write something, but I've been rather lacking in inspiration.

I took a notion today; a notion to write an article that might actually be considered acceptable on a mainstream games blog: but then, I gave it to my friend Chris to read, and he sent me back this defaced monstrosity.

Thanks Chris, thanks for making my shame more amusing...

P.S. Once again, Blogger has fucked me on the spacing: Cheers, Blogger, as if my little corner of the internet isn't ugly enough without your interposing hand coming in and fouling everything up for me. Boo! Boo at your code sir! BOO!

My name’s Dave, and I’m a Gamer. I’ve been a gamer since I was a little boy, and I first played the pre-installed version of Alex Kidd on my Sega Master-System II; from the adventures of that pixelated little man, a dedicated gamer was born.

And I’m Chris; I’m helping.

Over the years, I’ve played a lot of games, on a lot of consoles, and I’ve never once been affected by them. From the extreme violence of ManHunt, to the simulated crimes of the various Grand Theft Auto offerings, I’ve never actually had any game make me really feel anything: And I like to think that, in my virtually-hardened state, I’ve become a bit of an e-Bastard; in that I’ve always found myself, when faced with the plethora of moral choices that games offer these days, that I tend to gravitate towards the more unpleasant option.

I just say fuck you to the moral choice and kill everything. Take Fallout 3…killed all the good guys, robbed them, blew up their city, then killed all the bad guys and stole everything they had…I’m currently hanging out with the slave guys until I get tired of their shit.

But that all changed, when I picked up my copy of BioShock 2, and encountered what, in my opinion, defines the series: The Little Sister.

Subject Delta couldn’t help but think that Chris Hansen’s “Why don’t you
take a seat over there” line needed a little more punch.

This winter Chris Hansen IS Subject delta:
Would you kindly take a seat over there?

I started off the game with the intention of sucking every drop of ADAM I could out of the glowing little freaks; but that idea quickly began to simmer away as the opening sequence began, and I found that the player character was someone who has a genuine emotional bond with one…

Emotional… sure, that drill isn’t for what you think its for…

Once I got into the story proper, and came across my first Little Sister, any remnants of my previous intention to harvest the little ADAM farms was washed away completely, as she greeted me with an affectionate “You’ll protect me, wont you Mr. B?”

I haven’t played it yet so I’m just going to make a paedophilic innuendo at the end of each paragraph…:
HE farmed HER for ADAM!
The ‘B’ in ‘Mr. B’ stands for -Bear btw, you get 3 guesses at his first name…

I don’t have kids, I’ve never planned too, but adopting the first Little Sister awoke some ancient paternal instinct in me that actually had me shouting in despair as Splicers began reaching her position whilst she was harvesting one of her Angels. As sad as it may sound, there were genuine, Ripley-esque “Get away from her, you bitch!” moments as Splicer after Splicer raced towards ‘my little girl’.

I’ll awake my paternal instinct over your little girl…! Ok that one was a little bad, I’ll stop now.

At one point in the game, I was desperate for ADAM and about to fight one of Raptures ‘boss’ Splicers. So I overcame my earlier apprehension, and harvested one of the Little Sisters after she’d collected all of the available ADAM for me. In the end, I had to look away from the sheer terror in her face as she realized I was about to kill her, and, throughout the rest of the game, no matter how low I was running on ADAM, I couldn’t bring myself to harvest another one.

Sweet damn, that almost makes me not want to make a joke… almost. Only thing stopping me is that I can’t think of one.

For me, this is why BioShock 2 will go down in history: A video game that’s dredged up in me emotions I never knew I could feel, that’s managed to worm its way into my cold, desensitized heart and start a little melting flame. You can take away the story, the graphics, the beautifully designed underwater city, the rich in-depth history and quirky, interesting characters; but leave me with my little girl, and while you’re at it: GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!!

Note to Developers: A game with nothing but a high definition 10 year old girl that talks to the first person player in a child like way, and you can play with her, and skip, and if you give her enough candy you can show her your “party van” and the final boss is Chris Hansen; that’s probably not a good thing to sink your money into.