My Five Most Annoying Characters Ever in Gaming...

Before I get started, I’m going to have to clarify something.

I do not care if you disagree with me; I’m not writing this article for reasoned, tempered, intelligent debate on the subject. I’ve already made my mind up that these characters are fucking annoying, and there’s nothing you’re going to do to change my mind. If you disagree, sure, by all means, let me know; but leave it at that. Don’t try and change my mind, because it’ll only end in tears.

That said ( >=( ) this article is going to be a space filler, since I need all my money for buying people Christmas prezzies and wont be getting any new games before the big day. So appreciate it. :D

#1

Cloud (Final Fantasy VII)

Sephiroth: Oh hey, Cloud! Did you ever think about being any less of a useless blonde twat?
Cloud: lol no, why?
Sephiroth: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I hate cloud; not because he’s a whiney, over emotional, useless, blonde, stupid looking prick (although they do contribute); but because he’s in FFVII, a game which I hate with a fiery passion that burns hotter than the very corona of the sun.

#2

Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2)

Snake: Hey, Raiden, I heard you and Cloud from FFVII were going out?
Raiden: Yeah, we just have so much in common seeing as we’re both completely pointless, melodramatic pussies that fill voids created by much better characters like you.
Snake: Sounds about right…
Raiden: Nice mullet, by the way.
Snake: Fuck you.

There’s a very simple reason why I hate Raiden; he’s a total faggot. In MGS1 you got to play as Snake, who’s just an all round bad mother fucker. Not only did he make guards mysteriously grow exclamation marks above their heads, but he also got Otakon to fall in love with him (Snake? Snake!? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEE!?!?!?!?)

So what to Konami do? “Hey, guys, since people got the super manly experience of playing as the awesomely rugged, daring, brave and just down right handsome Solid Snake in the last game; let’s change it up a bit for MGS2 and make them play as a white haired sopping vagina in a skin tight wetsuit!”

#3

Banjo and Kazooie (Banjo Kazooie/Banjo Tooie)

Banjo: Nurp durp, nurp lurp durp durp, lurp durpa shwoooonnnggg
Kazooie: *Slightly higher pitched and more annoying version of the above*

FUCK I HATE BANJO AND KAZOOIE SO FUCKING MUCH!

It’s fucking overwhelming just how annoying I find these two facile, colourful dick lickers. Come on, Rare, you had a chance to build a game where the main character is a fucking bear, and you come out with that piece of shit? WHERE’S THE RIPPING? THE TEARING? THE TEETH IN THE NIGHT?

Coupled with that, you make his best mate (and lets face it, giving a bear a companion that’s not another fucking bear is your second greatest mistake) a fucking vulture/crow/phoenix/chicken thing? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?

Rare Exec. #1: So, what do you guys want to do today?
Rare Exec. #2: I reckon that we take everything Dave Wilson would think is awesome, and we ruin it by warping all the base elements into childish parodies.
Rare Exec. #1: Alright, sounds good, let’s do it.

I hate you Rare; for this, and for Conkers Bad Fur Day Multiplayer.

#4

Ayane (Dead or Alive series (Not Ayame, trust me, you don’t want to put THAT into Google))


My Sister: Oh hey, wanna play Dead or Alive 2?
Me: Sure
My Sister: Oh yeah, by the way, I’m going to use this annoying purple haired bitch and spam you with the same moves again and again…so…
Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

This one’s a little personal.

Yes, I was, one upon a time, beaten (a lot) at Dead or Alive 2 by my sister. This just happens to be the character she used to do it…

...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

#5

Lambert (Splinter Cell series)


Lambert: Fisher, have you gone insane!?
Fisher: No, I’ve just finally realised that you’ve been bitching at me for what? 4 whole games now? I’VE HAD ENOUGH, GOD DAMNIT! YOU DO ONE OF THESE MISSIONS FOR A CHANGE, THEY’RE NOT FUCKING EASY!

I hate this fat old cunt. I hate him so much, you have no idea. He’s the reason I don’t want to play Splinter Cell anymore (that, and the fact that Double Agent was, quite frankly, the most disappointing game that’s ever come out)

He does nothing, NOTHING, but bitch at you the entire game about how shit you’re doing the missions; and then, when you finally get the chance to shoot him in the face, he wonders WHY!?

FUCK YOU LAMBERT! FUCK YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!