I heard Assassins Creed 2...

...was out, and people are playing it and it's apparently pretty good.

FUCK THAT SHIT!

I hate myself for not saving up enough money to actually buy a copy of AC2, but there we go...

So, I've been neglecting my blogging duties recently, as my friend Arran keeps reminding me, and I've now got a list as long as someone with a bigger penis than me's penis to catch up with; so forgive me if each game doesn't get the three A2 sheets of inspection it deserves, but I'm rather short on...well, patience at the minute.

So, I think the last game I reviewed was Brutal Legend, wasn't it?

What came out after Brutal Legend...Borderlands?

BORDERLANDS!!!

Borderlands was fucking sweet; You'll notice my use of the past tense there, because it's not fucking sweet any more. It got old fast, thanks to the ministrations of my annoying group of friends who made me do abso-fucking-lutely everything in the game on the first playthrough, leaving me nothing to do when we'd finished except get Claptraps and reach level 50, which was more boring than watching Dale Winton present a topical comedy quiz about leaf blowers.

Other than its shoddy replay-ability and FUCKING TERRIBLE ENDING, FUCKING TERRIBLE, FUCKING TERRIBLE TERRIBLE ENDING, OH GOD DIE; the game was brilliant. The co-op play was fun and fairly original (although I had to play as Roland because everyone else is a cunt) the gameplay was great, the visuals are bloody stunning and the RPG elements fun to play about with.

Having said all that; I haven't picked it up since me and my friends got out of sync with each others levels and stopped playing after we finished the campaign, and I probably wont touch it again until the new DLC comes out after Christmas...

...so, with all that in mind I give Borderlands a: (Oh yes, forgot to mention, implementing a brand new, totally original and definitely not stolen from other, funnier, more accurate games review websites, scoring system. Ten being the highest, (probably) and one being the lowest (probably not))

SEVEN OUT OF TEN!

For its originality, depth, nifty RPGness and visual brilliance =]

COCK OF DOODY MODIRN GAYFUCKSTOOPID 2

Or, for all you non-watchers of Arby and the Chief:

CALL OF DUTY MODERN WARFARE 2

(Isn't that image just fucking cool? I have no idea what it's from, but Ghost looks like a BEAST)

I swore, back when I was writing my original, bland, shitty review of Borderlands that I wasn't going to write a review of MW2, because it'd either be tainted with improper love or hate. The love coming from my natural bias towards games that have stunningly amazing multiplayer content (Fuck you Spoon :D) and the hate stemming from my internal furnace of ire, fuelled by sweaty, overweight eleven year olds who think the coolest comebacks ever consist of repeating what you say back to you in a mangled impersonation of your voice. (...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

And I'm going to stick true to my guns, and not post a review of MW2, because if I do it'll just be a rambling trail of semi-cohesive nonsense that flits back from one extreme to the other like a humming bird who's just had seventeen hundred double espressos and gone into the bathroom to do lines with Falgo...greedy, greedy Falgo...

What I will do, is tell you that MW2 is worth buying for the Multiplayer alone; whether you want to sit back and have a blood boiling game with all your friends where everyone laughs at you because you suck absolute dick, or you want to have a blood boiling game with complete strangers who laugh at you because you beat them and they have absolutely no concept of not being a complete retard all of the time. (Or, of course, if you want to have a blood boiling game where you listen to me sing Bonnie Tylers Total Eclipse of the Heart to you in a high pitched little girls voice.)

Add me on XBL if you want to sit around singing camp songs/classic rock whilst being killed by twelve year olds with more thumb calluses than brain cells; my Gamertag is: ElfShotTheGame (Yes, those capitals need to be in the right place, otherwise you'll get Falgo...greedy, greedy Falgo...)

I give MW2s Multiplayer:

PI OUT OF TEN, BUT NOT SIMPLY PI BECAUSE IT'S ONLY LIKE 3, BUT THINK OF PI AS SOMETHING STRANGE AND UNKNOWN AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS...


DRAGON AGE: ORANGES

I'm not putting an image in for this, because every time I put an image in to Blogger it automatically changes the spacing between each one of my paragraphs to something akin to what I put on my physics coursework for GCSE to make it look longer. (That's 7 taps of the return key per paragraph, fuck yeah >:D)

Dragon Age Oranges is an amazing game; I'm not going to bore you all with the details here, but this is one of those games that really needs me to sit down and take two hours out of my day to write a full, in depth review for. Thankfully, it's a Sunday, and Jesus says we're not allowed to do things like that on a Sunday, because he's a lazy cunt or something (I know this because it's in the bible; Mark 13:12 "And lo, Jesus said put down your tools, ye carpenters, ye butchers and bread makers; for it is Sunday, and I am a lazy cunt. What I am, ye all shall be, and watching you work is making me dead tired, so stop it kkthxbi").

Dragon Age is made by Bioware, who make the best RPGs, and haven't put a foot wrong ever, except for Mass Effect, but shut up.

I don't want to get into it too much here, because I'll end up getting engrossed and writing a 2,000 word essay about how DAO is really good, and should be owned by everyone; but the jist of it is that DAO is set in a mature, fantasy world being overrun by a gritty, sweaty, hairy unpleasant evil (kind of like a nefarious Brian Blessed, but without the charm) and you're, naturally, the only one in the world with the power to stop it. Sounds original? Well it's not, but who says originality is everything (Fuck you Spoon :D)

I give Dragon Age Oranges:

ALSO SEVEN OUT OF TEN, FOR BEING A COOL GUY THAT KILLS DARKSPAWN AND DOESN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING (EXCEPT SHOWING NIPPLES (THANK YOU FARENHEIT))