Brutal Legend and Operation Flashpoint 2 and a jolly young baldy named BrentalFloss

(TICKET THIS! HAHAHAHHAHHAHAAAHHAHAAHHAHHA!!!111!!01!)

Brutal Legend is FUCKING AWESOME!!!

AHAHAHHHHHHHH IT'S WIN! IT'S SO MUCH WIN IT VENTS ITS EXCESS WIN BY PISSING WIN DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN VIA YOUR EARS!

Brutal Legend is a hack 'nd slash style Adventure RPG a la Fable and its ilk that's set in a world populated entirely by Hot Chicks, Headbangers, Evil Demons and spectacular Metal-Inspired monuments to the VERY GODS THEMSELVES!

Words cannot express how much I loved this game...(For your information, if words could express it, it'd probably read something like "I'd touch it with my winkie.")

Take fairly average gameplay, mediocre animations and standard issue graphics...

Combine it with brilliantly immature and amazingly funny dialogue, fantastically original characters, a vibrant and stunningly in-depth world populated by interesting landmarks, a story with more twists than a kid with Spina Bifida and finally an ear-splitting, face-melting, pant-shitting soundtrack...

And by fuck, you've got yourself one HELLA BRUTAL LEGEND!

Wow...That picture was a lot bigger when I moulded it carefully out of leather and twine on my perfectly legal copy of Adooby Phitoshap VS2...

In case you're a retard, that's Operation Flashpoint 2 Dragon Rising (Yes, yes, the star is a little convoluted, but it's apparently the logo for "Rising Star Games". No idea who they are, found them on google, but big props to them for having an applicable studio logo: Clap!).

I managed to get OF2 on release day (no thanks to Play.com (CUNTS!)) and was getting my semi-tactical, laughably glitchy game on sooner than I reckoned.

Wow, so where do I start? I love this game, it's everything I've been looking for in a tactical coop shooter and more! Unfortunately, that more just happens to be a hand full of annoying as shit glitches that make you want to stab yourself in the penis with a rusty drillbit.

The game is great, it's got everything it needs, a detailed map, a huge area of play, sandbox missions, technically detailed loadouts and all kinds of shit; but the glitches totally ruin what's supposed to be such an in depth, tactical game.

The most annoying of the many glitches is the one which makes AI enemies invulnerable in the chest-area. I MEAN GOD! I GET IT, YOU'RE WEARING KEVLAR! OK! FINE! BUT FUCK SAKE! I PUT A FULL CLIP OF M16 AMMO INTO YOU AT POINT BLANK RANGE AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING ALIVE!? WHAT'RE YOU, SUPERCUNT!?

The other most annoying one just happens to be the 'Your team refuses to follow you even though you've yelled "FUCKING FOLLOW ME YOU FAT USELESS CUNTS!" down the radio to them over a dozen times' glitch; which is fine if you're playing 4 Player coop, but makes the game more fucking annoying than the unholy abomination that's going to spew forth from Boxxys womb whenever, god forbid, she brings life into the world; if you're playing Campaign.

BRENTALFLOSS!

If you're reading this, which you're not, then you're the fucking coolest guy ever and whenever your album comes out, I'm going to buy it.

http://www.youtube.com/user/brentalfloss?blend=1&ob=4

See

lol

Enjoy

WILSON; AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

Play.com can go lick a tramps hairy beard

(Fucking lick this, Play, you cock munching sons of mandble-toting, alien fuckpigs)

As the title would lead you to suggest; I'm not in a good mood with Play.com right now.

Naturally I pre-ordered the totally sexy looking Operation Flashpoint 2 Dragon Sauciness from Play, because they've got a pretty good history of getting games to me on time/the day before release.


AJSBNDASHBFHDVHKFDSVSDFVSDJVNSKDFVNSDF

Sorry, I'm really very angry.

The FUCKS are still packing my fucking OFP, they haven't even dispatched it yet, so unless they deliver it by fucking super-hero courier, there's not a chance it's going to get to me by tomorrow.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem. I woke up this morning before Uni thinking "I'll check my mail, and if they haven't dispatched it yet then I'll cancel the order and just go up to my local GAME tomorrow and pick it up myself.

But apparently, once it's gotten to the packing stage, you can't FUCKING CANCEL IT ANYMORE!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEE HEFSDNVJNVJKDNGDFGBNKDFNGJFDGBFJFDBNGBKJFGBGHKGFKJGFBKJGFJKGDJKSMDFK:LKSMADFVJLS!

Ricky FUCKING Gervais!

So I came up with a cunning plan; I'd go to Uni then, on the way back, I'd go to a cash point and draw out all my cashmonies. That way, when they go to draw the money out of my account before they send it...:


"Credit and Debit cards are debited on the day of shipping by Play.com. All prices include sales taxes (where applicable) unless otherwise stated, and no charge is made for shipping."


That'a a direct quote from the Terms of Service Play have on their website. My order hasn't been shipped yet, and they've FUCKING drawn the money out of my account, the cheeky bastards.

So now I have to wait for some pissy midweek delivery that's going to see me missing out on first day lulz AND stunting my play of the game because I can't devote a block of 3 days to it.

GOD DAMMIT I'M ANNOYED! FUCK!

Shit I'm enraged. I'm not ordering anything on a deadline from Play ever again, ever ever again. Fucking dirty gay jewbags. ARGH!

I want Operation Flashpoint....Waaaaaaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh *Cry*

Ossum Dudes Shocking Tale; A Halo Review

(None of the rest of the unit knew it; but when in battle, the Rookie liked to rock out to 'Copa Cabana'. That's right; he's a Fanilow...)

Alright then; it's been a week since Halo ODST decided that it'd better just get it over with and release itself, and it seems to be about time that I let you all know what I think of it.

I've waited so long because, as usual, as soon as it came out I utterly loved it; I get new-game fever bad...and this time was no exception. If I had've written this when the game first hit the market, it'd have been all:

"OH FUCK I LOVE HALO! OH SHIT YEAH!"
"FUCKINHG AWESOME, I JUST CRUSHED LIKE A MABAZILLIAON GRUNTS WITH A HAMMER! HGFNGS!"

But I've had time to reflect, and I feel I can give you all a fairly balanced and un-fanboyish Halo ODST review. (So those of you look for my typical brand of bilious, swear happy shoe-shining. Look elsewhere today, my friend.)

We'll start off with: The Gameplay

Bungie have never really had a problem with their gameplay; Halo has always provided a staple of fun, button bashing, trigger happy shoot 'em up action. Bungie, however, marketed that they were going a different way this time; playing down the aspect of run and gun gameplay in favour of a more tactcial, subtler approach. I was really looking forward to this, considering it'd add much more depth to the game, slow it down, prolong shorter elements of the story and allow you to generally get more out of your game. I was a little disappointed, then, when I found out that this wasn't really the case.

They've toned down everything; the damage you do, the damage you can take, your sheild no longer exists (replaced, somehow, with bullet-stopping stamina...Still, he must be able to satisfy the lay-deez) and you've been given a health bar, meaning that you can no longer just run in, blast away, then hide until your sheild recharges, rinse & repeat. This sounds like a lot; but it really isn't. The fact of the matter is, they haven't changed the gameplay enough to make it a different game...I know, and I understand that, if they changed it all too much the game would no longer appeal to those people who liked the Halo series in the first place; but I still think that Bungie kind of stiffed us all on that front, essentially; all they did to Halo was make you smaller and turn up the difficulty...

The AI

Apparently (and I'm not 100% on this, I heard it from a friend) Bungie went back and completely overhauled the Halo engine for ODST. I'm not entirely certain what they did, but one noticeable change that's appeared is the difference in the AI. One of my biggest criticisms of Halo was the fact that the enemies in it were rediculously stupid. For example; Hunters, whose only weak spot is the GIANT MISSING PANEL OF ARMOUR ON THEIR BACK (what that's about I don't know...You'd think they'd just put some ballistic flexi-plating on it, but whatever, I'm not an expert on superfangled alien species and that) would frequently turn their backs on you by breaking out a can of Red Bull, getting completely jacked up on Speed and running head first straight past you whilst you shot them in the spine. They've, thankfully, changed this for ODST.

Hunters and Brutes will now swing digs at you whilst you're behind them. The Hunters heft their shields at you in a nice spinny move that makes you want to get out of there pretty spritely, and the Brutes will happily punch you in your stupid helmeted face with super Gorilla-Fu if you get anywhere near assassinating them. That said, working in co-ordination with your team mates, you can quite easily draw the fire of nasty Brutes and Hunters and get round behind them for the quick kill. The AI in ODST is, in my opinion, one of its biggest successes (which is nice, considering that one of the biggest selling points of the game is Firefight which pits you against waves of increasingly more annoying aliens)

The Stupid Visor Thing...

...is both a blessing and a curse. Whilst I like it, and it's very pretty and really useful; I find it hard to believe that the ODSTs would have such a nifty piece of tech, and the Spartans wouldn't...Maybe it's just me, having read the books and gotten into the whole "Halo Lore" thing, but I think that considering that Spartans kit costs about a Brazilian more dollars (that's the cost of one Brazil) than an ODSTs, they'd have thought to include that amazingly handy F.O.F. visor...Yeah, that one's probably just me...

All in All...

Halo ODST is a good game; but it's still Halo.

I Liked:

Deviation from the Norm
No FUCKING Master-Chief (who I hate, despite how awesome he is)
Improved AI
Teamwork dramatically improves gameplay

I Did Not Like:

It's still Halo, despite how much it's changed
The built up tactical element that, in my opinion, didn't deliver to the degree that it should have
The annoying visor that awesomespartans didn't have.

Something other than Halo ODST

I accidently posted this (by accident) without anything in it...


...Sorry.


Anyway; my week has pretty much consisted of going to Uni and playing Halo ODST. The latter being the one I'm determined not to talk about, because I can't talk about it with out lots of general subversive Oohs and Ahhs and Hmms and Haas. So what am I going to talk about in this post?

No idea, you tell me.

Well obviously you wont, because no one ever leaves any fucking comments; so for want of a better topic, I'm going to talk about Ballanital Chancroids.

Ballanital Chancroids is a rare and fairly exotic Sexually Transmitted Infection.

This is a picture of Ballanital Chancroids:


*Five Minutes later; after googling pictures of Ballanital Chancroids and being violently ill into a bin*


I've decided against that; as I don't want to have pictures of horribly infected man-junk up on my blog for the world to think I'm gay/mentally diseased.

So instead, here's a small picture of a regular Chancroid...

I'm fairly certain that's on Man-junk, but considering it's not really ascertainable one way or the other, I figure it's pretty safe.

Now, Ballanital Chancroids or as I like to call it, Dick Cancer, is an incredibly painful and debilitating genital infection.

It's characterized by thick, bulbous pustules on the shaft of the penis.

That's pretty much all...

Sleep tight! I'll be back with more games as soon as something I hate comes out! Ciao!

Guitar Hero 5, Shadow Complex and OH MY GOSH, FUCKINGSHITFUCKBOLLOCKSODSTALALALALALALALALALALA!

Sorry about the title...

I...get excited sometimes...


Moving swiftly on from that incestuous debacle, why it's incestuous I don't know, but there we go...

I bought Guitar Hero 5 at the weekend, don't know why, perhaps it's my subconscious mind trying to spite me and leave me penniless for Tuesdays release of Cashcow ODST, sorry, Halo ODST...I'm not sorry, not even slightly.

Yes, Guitar Hero 5...

Well, what can I say, really? It's Guitar Hero. The only major change in the entire thing is the menu background; but I can't really fault them for that, it is a very nice menu background. I suppose that doesn't matter, really. The gameplay for Guitar Hero is, quite literally, perfect. That said, it's not like it's a triumph of modern technology or human innovation is it: "Hit the buttons for the colours, and press the strum bar" unless you spend your day licking windows and snattering all over people on the bus, then you're going to be alright with it.

In short; Guitar Hero 5 is absolutely, completely and without a shadow of a doubt: Totally Average.

(What I mean by that is; It's nothing new, but it's still good.)

It's also, for those of you who want to get a new Guitar Hero game because you're stupid and don't realise that they're all exactly the same, got a pretty decent track list with it. Although, to be fair, I tend to find myself repeating Kryptonite, Sultans of Swing and Plug in Baby pretty much constantly, because they're the only songs on there I actually know...

I also bought Shadow Complex a few weeks ago, to riotous applause from the gaming community on the whole. Why they were clapping, I have no idea; but I think it's got something to do with me getting over my prejudice towards 2.5D games.

Let me explain my prejudice towards 2.5D games to you; I don't like them. It's as simple and as stupid as that. There's no reason for me not liking them, I mean they're fine, there's no major hiccoughs in the gameplay, everything is fairly smooth and graphically (at least in the case of Shadow Complex) they're actually quite pretty. All that as maybe, though; because I still don't fucking like them.

I don't know what it is about gaming, but in my opinion, there should be no more dimension based advancements until Virtual Reality comes along and I can ACTUALLY play Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball without feeling like I'm sitting outside a school in a van, wearing a raincoat and thick 70's style glasses; I say this because, when VR comes out I'll have my mouth so full of Helena's Tig Ol' Bitties that I wont give a fucking shit about what anyone else thinks at all. Until of course I'm taken into hospital to be treated for malnourishment and exhaustion.

My bias against 2.5D games aside; Shadow Complex is totally worth 1200ms points. I don't know what it is about it, but the game has an engaging story, a likable main character, excellent gameplay and way-awesome super wicked ultra cool looking exo-skeletal armour (that last one is a mega plus, by the by).

The gameplay flows well, although I did find aiming my gun at enemies who were out of the dimensions I could actually move in a little annoying at first, I got used to it eventually...I say eventually, I mean when I got to the end of the game and the entire thing was over...

The games progression is really fun; you essentially build your character up with a host of mandatory and optional items; there something like 100 different pickups to get, and apparently you can complete the game with only 5 of them, or something...What I'm trying to say is the game has a fair amount of replayability to it...

Long story short; Shadow Complex is a good game, as good as anything that's come out in the last few months, and considerably better than most of the dross we've had to sit through. It's worth buying if you've got money to spare.

Lastly, a cursory mention to Halos ODST game that's coming out on Tuesday the 22nd...Not that I'm counting...

Now, I have to play the responsible adult here, because I'm in University now and I'm not allowed to get super excited about games...

BUT FUCK IT LOOKS COOL!!! AHAHB HABHKDSBKFHDVKFJVSFJKDV!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, ON THE 6TH OF OCTOBER GUESS WHAT COMES OUT!? OPERATION MOTHER FUCKING FLASHPOINT, DRAGON RISING. WHICH LOOKS TOTALLY SHIT HOT AND MADE ME PISS MY PANTS WITH UNBRIDLED URINE SATURATED JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

(I have to stop now, because I'm crying tears of happiness at the thought of a 4 player co-op tactical first person shooter for the Xbox360)

Lady GaGas Peniz...The Hunt is over

Right, short update.

In an earlier post, I commented on my on-going hunt into the validity of claims that Lady GaGa is, in fact, a ladydude.

I present, above, my evidence. Head to 25 seconds into the video, and look in awe at Lady GaGas man-junk. I warn you, once this video is over, you may be feeling confused and slightly ill.

This is normal. Just remember; as long as she's clothed, and you're only putting it in her mouth: It's A-Ok!

I kid, you're sick. Get off my blog you monster.

District 9

(Dirty Ears Bill approves...)

Wilson Jenkins ▪ Bangin' Shades... says:
Fuck District 9 was amazing.

T Spoon ▪ This is going to melt your heart like a lump of cheddar in a warm shoe. says:
Yeah?
Looks like a great film

Wilson Jenkins ▪ Bangin' Shades... says:
Seriously, if Blomkamp is doing the Halo Movies, they are going to be intense.
D9 reminded me so much of the Halo Vidoc things that he did, you know the interviews with the survivors of New Mombassa? And the Firefight shorts they did.

T Spoon ▪ This is going to melt your heart like a lump of cheddar in a warm shoe. says:
Yeah

Wilson Jenkins ▪ Bangin' Shades... says:
Seriously, rather than going and seeing Inglourious again, go see it.
I'd eat it.
That's how tasty it was.
I would eat it with my mouth.

That sums up District 9.

That film, was fucking fantastic. I expected a lot of it, because it was Peter Jackson, and Neill Blomkamp (Who did a lot of stuff for Halo) and I was so not disappointed.

D-9 takes place in an alternate Johannesburg, where an alien spacecraft sits hovering over the city. The city is segregated, as can be seen throughout the opening sequence of interviews/documentary footage, with Humans living freely in the city and the aliens, or "Prawns" living in the slums of District 9.

The movie follows MNU (Multi-National United (Weird fucking name)) employee Wikus van de Merwe, who is tasked with arranging and executing the eviction of the Prawns from District 9 and moving them into a new, internment camp like area two hunderd miles away from Johannesburg.

YARR, HERE BE SPOILZORZ!!!

Paralleled with the eviction, is the story of Christopher Johnston; a prawn who is attempting to collect fuel for the lost command module of the alien mothership, so he can power it up and return to his home planet.

The two stories cross, when the MNU interrupts the distillation process of the fuel and kills Christophers friend. Wikus, who searches the prawns shack for any "finds" (Caches of weapons/alien technology) comes across a small cylinder filled with black liquid and ends up getting some of the contents sprayed in his face. He is later attacked and injured by Christophers friend, who consequently gets killed by an MNU chopper.

Wikus, who was sprayed with the black alien goo, finds himself feeling sicker and sicker as the day goes on, which culminates in him crashing into unconsciousness at a party being held to celebrate his promotion. When he's at the hospital, the doctors there decide to take a look at his arm (which he injured when Christopher's friend attacked him) and upon removing the bandages, find it's turned into a Prawn claw.

Wikus is taken into custody at MNU as Christopher and his son desperately try to find where their friend hid the distilled fuel. Whilst being held by MNU, Wikus sees that the scientists there perform secret, illegal experiments on captured Prawn subjects and is forced to undergo similar experiments, because he is seen to be changing into a Prawn. The scientists at MNU decide that Wikus has to die before they can learn all they can from him, so they attempt to kill him but he manages to escape using a degree of alien strength.

Now a fugitive, Wikus flees into District 9 and there meets with Christopher and his son where he learns of their plans to return to their planet, and also learns that they can reverse the changes that he's going through. Christopher tells him though, that they can do nothing without the fuel for the Command module, which is now being held in the secret underground chambers beneath the MNU headquarters. Wikus visits the head of a local Nigerian gang, from whom he steals a cache of alien weapons (Although the leader of gang promises him that he will find him, and eat his arm (Because he's fucking weird, and thinks, for some reason, that eating bits of Aliens will allow him to use their weapons...Fucking Nigerians man...)).

Christopher and Wikus assault the MNU HQ, where Christopher sees the tortures that are being done to his fellow aliens, and escape with the fuel. When they return to the command module, Chris tells Wikus that he'll have to wait three years to be treated, because he wants to return to his planet first, so he can bring help back for the rest of the aliens stranded on earth. Wikus doesn't like this, and clobbers Chris over the back of the head with a big stick.

Wikus powers up the Command module, but is shot down before he can reach the mothership. Meanwhile, Christopher is captured by MNU and is to be taken away for questioning. MNU forces pull Wikus from the wreck of the Command Module and load him to be taken back to MNU Headquarters. As the convoy of MNU vehicles (including the ones with Wikus and Christopher) make to leav D-9, they are attacked by the local Nigerian gang, who capture Wikus and take him to their leader...for eating...

Menwhile! Christophers son, who hid in the wreckage of the crashed module, activates the mothership remotely, and also powers up a Prawn battle-suit that's being held by the Nigerians. Before they can cut him up into little tiny pieces, the battle-suit identifies Wikus as a Prawn, and kills all of the humans around him. As this is going on, MNU soldiers take Christopher out of the truck he was in, and start being the living shit out of him to try and get information about why the Mothership is moving. They decide that, because he refuses to talk, they'll just kill him; but before they can, they are all brutally wtfpwned by Wikus in the Prawn Battle Suit.

Wikus escorts Chris to the downed module, but before they can get there, Wikus suit is disabled and he stays behind to hold off the soldiers, so Chris can get to the module and from there, back to the mothership. Chris makes it to the module, and activates the Motherships tractor beam to pull them up.

As they rise into the ship, they are attacked by Kobus Venter (a sadistic fuck-bird soldier) but Wikus manages to stop the attack, and they are able to reach the Mothership unmolested. Venter then proceeds to attack Wikus, who has had to flee the suit because it was so badly damaged by RPG/50. Cal fire but before he can kill him, he is pulled apart and eaten by a group of Prawns.

YARR, HERE BE NO SPOILZORZ!!!


Then some other stuff happens, but considering that the main plot is over and done with, I shan't go into that.

Wow, that was...boring. Yeah, can you tell I got really tired of trying to seriously describe the movie towards the end and started describing people with swear words?

Well, if that was all tl;dr for you,

DISTRICT 9 IS FUCKING BRILLIANT

SEE IT

NOW

STOP READING THIS

GET OFF YOUR ARSE

GO TO THE CINEMA

BUY SOME POPCORN

WATCH DISTRICT 9

JIZZ IN YOUR PANTS

GO HOME

WASH YOUR PANTS

THANK ME

BUY ME NICE GIFTS

SLEEP